Chris Parnell: We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what's the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us.

Portman: I don't sleep mother f***er
off that yak and bourbon
doin' 120 gettin head while I'm swervin

Seth Meyers: D**n Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the f*** up and suck my d**k
I'm bustin dudes mouth like gushers mother f***er
roll up on NBC and smack the s**t outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to f*** all night

Don't test when i'm crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you s**t in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
f*** you man
It's my name that he's screamin'

Parnell: I'm sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids taht look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin up to me can suck d**k
It's portman mother f***er
drink till i'm sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the Jews
you know I'm talkin to you
Guys: we love you natalie
Portman: I wanna f*** you too
P is for portman
P is for pound
i'll kill your f**in dog for fun so don't push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I'm surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there's a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a s**t

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad @$$ b***h (h**l yah)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my s**t gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my d**k is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it--

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

What!

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