D'Oyly Carte Opera Company When I was a lad Lyrics

SONG -- SIR JOSEPH

When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He polished, etc.

As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand--
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He copied, etc.

In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute,
And that pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- And that pass examination, etc.

Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- But that kind, etc.

I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He thought so little, etc.

Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule--
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- Stick close, etc.

SIR JOSEPH. You've a remarkably fine crew, Captain
Corcoran.
CAPT. It is a fine crew, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. (examining a very small midshipman). A British
sailor is a splendid fellow, Captain Corcoran.
CAPT. A splendid fellow indeed, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. I hope you treat your crew kindly, Captain
Corcoran.
CAPT. Indeed I hope so, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. Never forget that they are the bulwarks of
England's greatness, Captain Corcoran.
CAPT. So I have always considered them, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. No bullying, I trust -- no strong language of
any kind, eh?
CAPT. Oh, never, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. What, never?
CAPT. Hardly ever, Sir Joseph. They are an excellent crew,
and do their work thoroughly without it.
SIR JOSEPH. Don't patronise them, sir -- pray, don't
patronise them.
CAPT. Certainly not, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. That you are their captain is an accident of
birth. I cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronised
because an accident of birth has placed you above them and them
below you.
CAPT. I am the last person to insult a British sailor, Sir
Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH. You are the last person who did, Captain
Corcoran. Desire that splendid seaman to step forward.

(d___ comes forward)

SIR JOSEPH. No, no, the other splendid seaman.
CAPT. Ralph Rackstraw, three paces to the front -- march!
SIR JOSEPH (sternly). If what?
CAPT. I beg your pardon -- I don't think I understand you.
SIR JOSEPH. If you please.
CAPT. Oh, yes, of course. If you please. (Ralph steps
forward.)
SIR JOSEPH. You're a remarkably fine fellow.
RALPH. Yes, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. And a first-rate seaman, I'll be bound.
RALPH. There's not a smarter topman in the Navy, your
honour, though I say it who shouldn't.
SIR JOSEPH. Not at all. Proper self-respect, nothing more.
Can you dance a hornpipe?
RALPH. No, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. That's a pity: all sailors should dance
hornpipes. I will teach you one this evening, after dinner. Now
tell me -- don't be afraid -- how does your captain treat you,
eh?
RALPH. A better captain don't walk the deck, your honour.
ALL. Aye; Aye!
SIR JOSEPH. Good. I like to hear you speak well of your
commanding officer; I daresay he don't deserve it, but still it
does you credit. Can you sing?
RALPH. I can hum a little, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. Then hum this at your leisure. (Giving him MS.
music.) It is a song that I have composed for the use of the
Royal Navy. It is designed to encourage independence of thought
and action in the lower branches of the service, and to teach the
principle that a British sailor is any man's equal, excepting
mine. Now, Captain Corcoran, a word with you in your cabin, on a
tender and sentimental subject.
CAPT. Aye, aye, Sir Joseph. (Crossing) Boatswain, in
commemoration of this joyous occasion, see that extra grog is
served out to the ship's company at seven bells.
BOAT. Beg pardon. If what, your honour?
CAPT. If what? I don't think I understand you.
BOAT. If you please, your honour.
CAPT. What!
SIR JOSEPH. The gentleman is quite right. If you please.
CAPT. (stamping his foot impatiently). If you please!
[Exit.
SIR JOSEPH. For I hold that on the seas
The expression, "if you please",
A particularly gentlemanly tone implants.
COUSIN HEBE. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
ALL And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!

[Exeunt Sir Joseph and Relatives.

BOAT. Ah! Sir Joseph's true gentleman; courteous and
considerate to the very humblest.
RALPH. True, Boatswain, but we are not the very humblest.
Sir Joseph has explained our true position to us. As he says, a
British seaman is any man's equal excepting his, and if Sir
Joseph says that, is it not our duty to believe him?
ALL. Well spoke! well spoke!
d___. You're on a wrong tack, and so is he. He means well,
but he don't know. When people have to obey other people's
orders, equality's out of the question.
ALL (recoiling). Horrible! horrible!
BOAT. d___ Deadeye, if you go for to infuriate this here
ship's company too far, I won't answer for being able to hold 'em
in. I'm shocked! that's what I am -- shocked!
RALPH. Messmates, my mind's made up. I'll speak to the
captain's daughter, and tell her, like an honest man, of the
honest love I have for her.
ALL. Aye, aye!
RALPH. Is not my love as good as another's? Is not my
heart as true as another's? Have I not hands and eyes and ears
and limbs like another?
ALL. Aye, Aye!
RALPH. True, I lack birth--
BOAT. You've a berth on board this very ship.
RALPH. Well said -- I had forgotten that. Messmates --
what do you say? Do you approve my determination?
ALL. We do.
d___. I don t.
BOAT. What is to be done with this here hopeless chap? Let
us sing him the song that Sir Joseph has kindly composed for us.
Perhaps it will bring this here miserable creetur to a proper
state of mind.