King Missile Gay/Not Gay Lyrics

I saw an episode of the Jerry Springer show and the topic was "Tranvestites and the Men Who Love Them." And the guy who was on with his "girlfriend" was saying "To me, this is a beautiful woman. She's got a perfect body, beautiful blonde hair, everything. I love her, and I love making love to her. Now I ask you, does that make me gay?"

Most of the audience thought so, and so did I, but it got me thinking about what is or isn't gay.

Discussing s__ with a guy is gay.

Discussing s__ with a woman is straight, even telling a woman "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to suck a c___" is straight.

Sports are gay, especially contact sports, unless you're the only guy on both teams, in which case it is straight.

Gyms are always gay, because afterwords, in the locker room, you're showering with guys, and that is gay.

Watching p___ography alone is neutral, like eating a sandwich. It's neither straight nor gay.

Watching p___os with one or more other guys in the room, no matter how many other women are also in the room, is gay.

Watching p___, even gay p___, with one or more women ONLY is straight.

Here's an interesting one: kissing a gay guy on the cheek, or having him kiss YOU on the cheek is neutral, as long as the guy is out of the closet. Hugging and/or kissing a straight guy . . . is gay.

See, look, I . . . I know I'm h___phobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay.

They f___ my s___ right up.

Like a guy calls me up and says "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch a football game and drink beer and eat chips, and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other a little, you know, just us guys! You wanna come over?"

And I'm like "No."

OK, you've got a guy sucking your d___, even if he's dressed like a beautiful woman, even if he's got the best breast implants you've ever seen, even if you're saying "Suck it b____, I know you like it, you s___, you w____," that's gay.

Adversely, if a woman straps on a d____ and you're dressed like a woman and you're suckin' her c___ and she's sayin' "You like it, don't you, you like sucking my d___, you little f___ing f__got" and she rolls you over and f___s you in the a__ and says "you love it, you little p____ boy, you love getting f___ed in the a__, I bet you wish I was a man, I bet you wish this was a c___, you f___ing f__got" and you're getting off on this like you've never gotten off before . . .

that's still straight.

But then, when you go off to the bar, and you discuss this, or any other s__ual experience with any other guys, that's gay.

Here's the most interesting one:

Sucking a guy's c___, can, under certain rare circumstances, be straight.

Let's say you've gotten into a betting game with a woman, and the bet is whoever loses has to be the other's s__ slave for the night, the kind of thing that happens in Penthouse Forum all the time, and you lose, and the woman makes you have s__ with another guy, that's not gay.

I don't know exactly why, but it's not.