Old Saint Nick's got Bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth

It's a merry f___in' Christmas

Everything's so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a merry f___in' Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings 'em
Unless they're Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion

c___py toys flyin' off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It's a merry f___in' Christmas

Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian p___
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It's a keep-on-truckin'
Last-year-suckin'
Midget-chuckin'
Slap-the-puckin'
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin'
Merrrry fuuuuckin' Christmaaaaaas

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