Dane Cook Harmful If Swallowed Lyrics

Ladies and Gentlemen, put you hands together for Dane Cook, come on!

*cheers and claps*

Yeah! Keep it going for the comics you've seen tonight.

Keep it going for the comics you've seen, any night!

Keep it... forget comics,
Just keep it going for people that are kinda funny at parties.
You know what, f___ that!
Just keep it going for people who say things that aren't funny,
but you laugh just to make them feel like they're not an idiot.
You kinda just go *HAHAHA* and then when they leave your like,
What a f___in' idiot! Keep it going for them!

Keep it going for you guys, yeah!

*Dane laughs*

What's happenin'? You guys feelin' good tonight, yea?"

*cheers*
I was over at your a... I went to one of these malls.
You got a big mall going on over there.
The galleria there. Holy s___!
I went over to the mall.
I, I had to park nearby in a parking structure.
You know when you park... in the parking structure...
you you you know you go up like, there's like 40 stories,
and you always have to park up on the f___ing roof.
What do they pave that with? What is that? That's not concrete.
Whatever that's paved - you could be like driving 5 miles an hour.
It sounds like you're in a chase scene from Chips!
It's like,

SCREECH

I'm backing up!

SCREECH

What the f___ is that? You got sneakers on.
You're trying to walk in,

SCREECH

Where's the door?!

SCREECH

Keep it going for that joke.

*Appluase*

Keep it going. That's only the first of many.

In fact, let me do that one again just so we all feel like we're a part of it.

You ever go to the mall there, The Galleria? There's a parking structure.
What is that paved with? It's not cement.

*Dane Chuckling*

Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving as I'm driving,
I'm driving safely. I'm obeying the rules..of the road.
Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok. you got it, sign.
Right so I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane,
compeletly oblivious to me. He starts coming into my lane.
JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming in..accident.
But because I saw him..ah I see HEYY Right i see.
I a__ess the situation. I see I a__ess the sit-u-a-tion.
And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease.
And I said what anybody here says automatically when this happens.
You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...

Um, Hello?
...Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black it's a little different.
If you're black it's uh check out this m________a..check out this
m________a!
If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* So that's...that's nice.
**********************************************************
I go to a car accident. I got in this car accident recently right?
Not my fault! This car accident was not my fault.
Right but you know how it goes...Get in a car accident,
even if it is not your fault. The other person, they get out of their car,
look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY their fault,
they get out. They're like. Alright, why did you stop at a red light
and let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?
Then you get out right? You go you start looking at the damage.
You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back at the damage
Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?
If we look together maybe some magic will happen.
This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged!
Do you have tools, can you fix this right now?
This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged.
Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged,
by the way it feels.

Then you gotta exchange the information right?
That sucks cuz nobody ever has a f___ing pen. You stand there.
Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my s___?
Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?
Right? So when you finally... here's what happens.
You finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean.
There you go..there's my. I highlight. Everything's nice.
You give him the... there you go. It's in an envelope. Ugh yeah.
Nice and - But then you get their information and it looks like,
they were having a f___ing seizure while writing it.
You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.
And under name you drew a picture of a monkey f___ing a coconut.
What is that? Is your name Monkey f___ing a coconut sir? MFC? is that you?
MFC? That's a monkey... that could be a melon looks like a coco-nut.
Then you take a second..here's where it starts getting embarrasing right?
You take a second while you're doing the exchange.
You just look around for a second and there's people EVERYWHERE.
They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and s___.
People coming out of bushes... What? Accident?
I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it right there!
We love car accidents in this country. We're obsessed with car accidents!
I know your like me, its like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet.
Your in you're house watching tv, your in bed.
All of a sudden outside at the corner you hear.
SCREECH
d___it! s___ that sounded like it was going to hit.
You always want it to hit. SCREECH. Come on! Nothing! Uh.
Then when you finally hear the crash your psyched, its like,
Screech where are my shoes? Yes, where are my shoes?
Have you seen my shoes? f___ it, i'm going out without shoes.
I'm going out shoeless. Right, you come out of you're house,
all you're neighbours are coming out, everyones coming out,
your like waving at each other. You're psyched to see each other,
come on! Lets go, you wanna go together?
Come on lets go, you me and you, no no, you wait for the next group,
you wait for the next group. We'll go as a team, no no you wait,
you wait for the next group.

Then you get out there, its no big deal,
but everyone stands out there for like, 2 extra hours.
Its over, no ones hurt or anything but everyone has to stay out there.
Even if its hot everyone acts like its cold and s___. Hey, whats up (chilly).
Just had to see what was going on.
And It doesn't matter who you start talking to,
I guarantee everyone is having the same exact conversation.
No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back
and forth is like, Yeah, yeah well no I was in my kitchen,
and i heard it so i came out. You were in your living room?
I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard it, I came out.
What you were in you're basement? He was in his living,
I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning,
and I heard it so i came out. What? Shoes? No, no, f___ shoes!
Haha shoes, hahaha listen to this guy with shoes.
Hahaha you, Shoes, over here.

And everyone always wants to be a part of like the police,
you know what I mean. We always wanna be involved,
we wanna talk to the cops when ever they come to your, you know,
Officer, yeah yeah, I'm sorry,yeah I just want you to know,
if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen, and i heard it,
so I came out. I will testify in court I was cleaning a dish,
I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this guy, he was in his basement.
Tell him what you told me, tell him what you told me,
Thats not what he told me, he's lying, thats not what you told me.
Did you see that clip they were like showing the other day on uh ESPN
or whatever. They were showing like the best crazy accidents or something.
It was like the best of the worst car you know like.
They showed this one clip man . If you saw this this was nuts.
The two cars go around the corner and they like catch each other
they start to roll. The tire flys into the stands, hit's a woman in the face!
And when you first saw it you were like OOOOOO!
That tire just hit that woman in the in the face!
Oh good they're showin' it again Look Look Look Look at this right here.
Slow it down..yeah that's when it hits her in the face.
And the funny thing is everybody around the lady like dove out of there.
Everyone got out of there but she just like sits there like.
You see everyone dives and at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her
face. This is her defense. She goes OOOOO!
Like she's just gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear.
Like she's just gonna go PAH and deflect it.
Or maybe she just palmed it PAH.
There can only be one Highlander! Tires cannot defeat me!
What a horrible way to go...What happened to Mary?
A tire... hit her in the face. How do you say that without laughing.
A tire- I can't even do it now! How did Mary die? A TIRE hit her in the FACE!
What was she doing putting her face near tires?
No no no no this tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary.
This tire wasn't f___ing around as we like to say.
This tire was out for vengeance.
I don't wanna die with a tire hitting me in the g______ face.
There's certain ways that people when they bite it and they show it on
the new... you laugh. Like who gets killed by bees?!
Anytime they come on the news like, "A man in Austin was killed by bees."
I just f___ing laugh. How do you get killed by bees?!
If you're walking through the woods, right, and you come near a bush
and you hear *BZZZZZZZZZZZ* just, you know,
Run away from that bush. Whos going near that bush going,
"HEY IS THAT BEES?" hold on one second, "OH JEEZE! AHHH!"
Dude f___ that! I would punch every bee in the face!
Bees aren't taking me out, I'd be like, "f___ YOU BEE!"
*PUNCH*
"YEAH f___ YOU BEE! ALRIGHT BEE COME ON! YEAH!"
*BZZZZZZZ* *PUNCH*
"Where's the next bee at?!" It's a f___ing bee!
I could undestand if it was like killer horses, Thats scary s___!
Flying through the air kicking you in the face
*NEHHHHHH*
*KICK*
*NEHHHHHH*
THATS SCARY! f___ BEES! ......f___ BEES!

Know one wants to drown. drowning would be the worst, cause everyone
knows that feeling. That feeling that you get, Oh its the worst.
When you think you're drowning. like during the summer,
You're like at a pool party or something.

"I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive. Watch my dive.
"Right, then you dive in.
*SPLASH*
And the second you get to the bottom your like,
"GET ME OUTTA HEEEERE!! WHERES THE SURFACE?!!"
And you always some up under the kid on the raft.
"Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me when
I'm Dying in the Abyss! Your son almost killed me with his,
Uhhhh, Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder me
in your pool. Float away for me. Float away."

Fire. Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire?
Its gotta be soo hot. That is way to f___ing hot.
Its the worst feeling when you burn yourself too.
You know, sometimes you're making sure soup or some oodlesof noodles
or something; Or you're cooking up some crack. And you know,
You touch the side of the pot. Just that little
*TSSSS*
"WOAH!!" That, f___ing kills!! That little thing, you can't take a shower
for like three weeks. You gotta like hold your hand out cause the steam
makes you angry. You try to bring your hand in,
"OOOOOO! I HATE STEAM! WHOEVER INVENTED STEAM SUCKS!"

You know what would be the worst?? This would be the ultimate worst
right here. What if you dove into the pool, and while you were
at the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on the
surface and lit it on fire! Yeah then you're like,
"AHHHHHH!"
You gotta just keep swimming around, feeling for a spotwhere theres
no f___ing fire. Then, What if you found a circle where there was no fire,
but the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face
"Get back in the fiery water!
You don't come out of the fiery water, cover up that hole with some fire now!
Get back in the fiery water!"

When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman.
I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a fireman when
you were a little kid? People ask you..What do you want to be?
I wanna be a FIREMAN! I didn't really wanna be a fireman.
I thought I did. I just really wanted to spray s___ with a hose.
That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be like a spray-man.
No I was f___ing good. I'm not laughing. I was really good with the hose.
I could make it look like if make it feel like it was raining.
If you closed your eyes, you would think it was raining.
That's how good I was. You'd be like Oh my god it is really raining.
It's very cold rain. That's how good I was and I'm not laughing.
You're laughing, i'm not laughing. I could not be a fire-
If I go to a house and it was fully on fire. f___ that! I quit.
I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else.
And the woman next to me be like... Please my son,
he's screaming in there. I'd be like Well he's probably on fire!
That's what happens when you're on fire lady...
What are you doing out here? You f___ing think for yourselfer.
Why didn't you make a map for him or something?

A policeman. I don't know how they do that job man.
What about those cops in New York. I just saw this on CNN a few days ago.
In New York, these cops freaked out, they shot this guy like 15 times
because they said they thought he had a grenade.
He was eating a pear! How do you f___ that up?!
Unless he was eating it like OOOOO (takes bite, throws pear)
THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!

I had one uh job that was kinda cop-like.
One summer I did uh security at a miniature golf course.
Just standing out in the sun all day...
Hey hey excuse me Sir get your putter out of the whale's a__!
Come one this is a place of miniature business.
This is not a playground, even though it looks like a playground.

So many c___py- the first job I had, right. The first job when I was uh
17 uh was Burger King. That was the first job that I had, alright.
I didn't want to call it Burger King either cause like yanno.
So I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like...
Where do you work?..I was like I work down at the BK Lounge.
I'm a bouncer at the BK Lounge.. Can we get in?
Not without coups. Not without coups baby.
So I get the job because my one older brother, my older brother Darrell.
He's the manager and I'm like this is gonna be awesome cuz my bro,
manager hooked me up.. He was a d___!
He thought he was THE Burger King! You know what I'm saying?
He sucked! He would put me on drive thru every single night.

Why to this day do people insist on yelling at the drive thru?
It's modern technology. I'd have my little headset.
Welcome to Burger King. May I please take your order?
WHOPPER. Sir? WHOPPER NO ONION.
Excuse me, I'm f___ing bleeding from the ears here ok?
Let's turn the main down a tad, ok skidrow?
LARGE FRY m________A! I CAN'T HEAR YOU BURGER KING!
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK BK BROILER?

I would rather have had people yell,
it was when people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me CRAZY.
I'd have like 10 cars out there and I'd be like Hi Mam
May I please take your order?
*mumbles* some pickles, no no no cheese, uh extra cheese, pickles
What do you want? What do you want?
*mumbles* bun seeds, no bun seeds
What do you want?... no no no no yes no cheese, extra pickles
*mumbles* how much? eh cheese
Mam I can't-hello?...pickle, extra pickles, cheese, bun seeds,
and pickles all my pickles and some extra pickly pickles,cheese, pickles
OK are you trying to molest me via drive thru. What are you saying?
Chicken tenders. Sweet and sour sauce on my p____!
DRIVE AROUND GET SOME SAUCE DRIVE AROUND MAM
SAUCE SAUCE SAUCE she want's it her way. That's our motto.
It's- come on sauce!

I took I took a lady's order one time. I'll never forget this.
I go like this.. Mam. That'll be $3.75. Please drive around.
And then there's like this long pause and then she goes..
Where do I go? ...Where do you go?!
You follow the one f___ing road you're on to me!
Where do you Ok mam you're gonna go to the Texaco station.
Take a right. Go 5 and a half miles southeast.
You're gonna see a guy in a yellow poncho. His name is Hank.
He'll take you to the whopper Lair. That's where you go.
And you've got 10 minutes to get there or we take your food!

uh..OOh . You're gonna have a little baby?
Oh you're pretty far a long there. What ah how long?
You wanna have him right now? Can we force it or something?
You think he can hear me right now?
You know like some people put music on there you.
I mean like do you put the headphones on there? You do that really?
Do you guys still f___? Does he ever grab your c___ inside and go
EHH I'M IN HERE! ..I can't here you BK Broiler!
Can I say hello to him Can I get right up there and and talk?
HI HELLO. You know he's in there like
*baby noises*
Wanna hear something, really this is a fact about me that you don't know.
When I was in the womb, I used to jerk off.
I- that's how young I started jerking off,in the womb.
There's x-rays or whatever.
Cat scans or sketches of me and I'm like this NOO NOO Yeah,
I didn't even know if I was a boy or a girl.
So sometimes I would pretend I was a DJ *scratch noises*
NO...No I can't talk yet.*scratch noises* Maybe this..maybe this..
maybe I do this! Maybe this. I have not decided.
What is this cord keep getting in my way?
Why am I talking like a baby Mexican?
Why did I just give myself that weird accent?
When I was a little kid, I had- I shared everything I had.
I had one brother alright one brother, five sisters.
Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in. I swear to god. Brutal.
They used to dress me in their clothes and s___. You know what I mean?
Send me to school in their fashions.
I'm the only guy in eighth grade wearing like wrangler jeans and... JELLIES!
Nice... nice. Member Jellies? You get a rock in em. OOOHH oooh!
These shoes are trying to kill me! I got a brand new denim jacket...
they bedazzled it and s___. I had a big glittery unicorn on my jacket.
No wonder I'm getting beat up at school. Hi guys do you like my jacket?
*POW POW* ...UGH... UGH

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember.
My dad, to make me happy. You know I was b__med out cause
we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing.
It was yellow, you layed it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water,
run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would of been fun if dad checked for
rocks before he layed it down! Slip n' Bleed from the aaaaanus they
shoulda called this ride. I was like watch this Ma!
*slide* *scream* NOOO! *scream*
Yeah... Luckily I was wearing that pad.
*applause*
I like that one. You don't have to. This is for me. I was a weird kid man.
I had some troubles. I had some problems man. I had some PROB-LEMS.

I couldn't spell when I was a little kid, I couldn't spell.
So my parents were all concerned so they went down to the uh toy store.
They bought me a little red box called Speak... n' spell.
You remember that? Speak n' spell?
They shouldn't have called it speak and spell.
What they should've called it was Speak... Like the Devil!
Remember the voice A-E-I-O-U. What was that? A-B-C-D-
*punch, scream* That thing was evil. L-M-N-.
That thing would wake me in the middle of the night like 2 in the morning...
Play with me! Get up, I wanna spell right now! I'm 8 years old.
I spell great. I talk like a freak.
I'm like...Mom, something is wrong! Something is W-R-O-N-G, wrong.

I had that game Operation, remember that game Operation?
Big naked white guy. He had no pee pee at all.
He had no.. Bigok, no scrumdidly-umptious.. no cash and prizes.
He was like that guy from Silence of the Lambs, remember,
he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket... Put the LOATION
in the BASKET!!"
*guy laughs*
"You're laughing 'cause you've done it you freak!
Your a freak, your a freak!"... I used to do it...
I used to come out of my girlfriends bathroom naked,
"Look, I'm just like you."
I was always afraid that one time she would be like...
*WAhhhh* I'm just like you!" AGH "I'm just like you!
Shhhhhh."...
Monopoly, theres another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it.
No one like it, even if you thinked you liked the game you didn't.
And it's simple why, ok.
Cause this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly,
ready?...
*Booush* "f___ THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!
I'm sittin on Baltic with c___! I'm paying lunch re-tax out the a__!
And I hate when your the banker,
where did you get the pink 50's you cheating w____!
Don't f___ing touch me grandpa, NANA is a cheating w____!
I should cut you head off with this little doggy!"...
"We were so poor growing up, we had to use that iron.
We had to actually use that little iron. It's not funny.
It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that little iron...
"Mmmmm..ooo *sizzle*... oh *sizzle* s___ hot"...