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I Had a Dream Where Bea Arthur and I Killed Somebody
By Tim Bedore 2003

I had a dream that Bea Arthur and I were walking down the street looking for her stolen Honda Civic. Bea Arthur is the actress who played Maude on the popular 70's sitcom of the same name and was also the tall one on the Golden Girls. I don't know why Bea Arthur and I were together in my dream but for some reason the two of us ended up in a bad part of downtown Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Bea and I were walking and all of a sudden, there it was, her 1983 Honda Civic. Bea rushes up and yanks this nasty looking kid out of the driver seat and starts to knock him around. And in my dream I remember thinking, when she was playing that Maude character, she wasn't acting. Bea Arthur is one tough old brawd. She's smacking this kid, yelling at him and I'm thinking "Bea, we've got the car, let's get out of here". But, Bea keeps knocking the snot out of this kid and he pulls a gun on her and I yelled, "Don't shoot. She's a celebrity."

And the kid with the gun said, "A celebrity? What is a celebrity doing driving a 1983 Honda Civic in downtown Kalamazoo?" I had no idea but I said, "Aaa... aaa.... We're here having an affair." I don't know why that's the first thing that came out of my mouth but frighteningly neither of the two kids said "No way," when informed of my s__ual liaison with a woman twice my age and size. Then the kid with the gun said, "If she's a celebrity how come I don't recognize her?" But his friend said, "She's the tall one from the Golden Girls."

And the kid with the gun said, "Yeah, I hate that show". And he aimed the gun at Bea, but Bea, in my dream anyway, has really quick hands and s_____ed the gun from the kid. I thought everything was over because we had the gun and the car and we could just leave but Bea was just all jacked up and she said, "You hate the Golden Girls?!! Well suck on this punk." And she shot the guy right in the chin. Then Bea turned to me and said, "Let's you and me go someplace quiet and get comfortable."

And that's when I woke up screaming. My wife asked me what I was dreaming about and I said something about Gary Coleman becoming governor of California. What's my point? I would say, generally you should never lie to your wife but in cases like this, it's probably best.