Dylan Moran Jesus Lyrics

If you're gonna believe in anything, you should probably go for God, y'know; he's reliable or whatever.
But the- the Biblical- Biblical God is always very strange, I think, because he's quite hostile, y'know, he's always wreaking wrath and revenge and other things beginning with "r-" on people and-.
And, um- Jesus, much more mellow, approachable sort of person, y'know; robes, beard, speaking in very loose terms.
And he, um-. He must've been quite annoying, though, as well 'cause he always spoke in parables which- which would be a bit irritiating if you're in a hurry, y'know.

-"Jesus, do you, uh, d'ya w- d'ya want a beer? D-?"
-"There was a man who lived in an attic. And he was growing seeds but the light came in from the left so, in the end, he was strangled by his own trousers."
-"Y- ya don't want- ya don't want a beer. Ya d- y' don't want a beer?"

And um-. My- my favourite Jesus story - the big Jesus number - is the Fishes And Loaves story, y'know; that's a very big thing: Jesus came over the hill, he didn't like hotels, and everybody was coming from miles around going, "Lord, teach us, please teach us, please teach us, please. And- and some snacks." Kind of a package weekend thing and-.
So Jesus sorta went "Okay, there ya go," *pfff* "Fish and chips, take it away, go on take it, take it."
Now, that's a great story but the thing about great stories is that they tend to get exaggerated so probably what happened originally was that Jesus was in his flat, there's a few people around y'know, they're all a bit mashed, and- they went into the kitchen and there was just a bit of toast and sardines or something. And they all went, "Oh, come on, for f___'s sake, this is s___! I'm starving! C'mon! Do the- do the Jesus thing." And he went, "N- no, no, sshhhhhh. Take thyselves out to the patio, leave it to me, I'll sort it out." And he went and he found, y'know, some tomato sauce and maybe a bit of cheese - and made quite a good thing, considering - and brought it in and they all went, "Yeaay, you are the Lord! Wheyyy! You have the remote control."
Y'have to change stories to make them in- to make them int'resting; if somebody comes up to you and says, "I went out, I got really drunk, it was very funny 'cause I fell down, I hurt my leg," you la- you might laugh because it could be your best friend. But when you tell somebody else, you change it so you don't look like an a___, y'know.
Say, "Did you hear about Debra? She went ou, she got really drunk, she fell down, she hurt her leg, and- and opened up an antique shop."
And then when that person goes and tells somebody else, it becomes another thing altogether:
"Did you hear about Debra; she was out all day drinking heroin out of a hot water bottle, fell down on a burning sword and exploded into a million bits and then she was attacked by these two tiny dwarves made entirely out of celery and spider sperm. And they were.. throwing this big tinfoil otter that they'd stolen off a bus full of school children who were smuggling chutney across the Mexican border in their heads. And then they all were chased down a chocolate well and drowned in a big pool of dentist p___."