Ellie's Verbe mondal Lyrics

#6 - Modal Verbs would, should, could, ought to
And now it's time for those miraculous modal verbs, would, should, could and ought to.
Not many people know this but modal verbs were invented to make us feel guilty.
I ought to work harder but I'm too lazy. If I weren't so d___ mean I would give more money to homeless people. I could visit my grandmother more often but I'm just too d___ selfish. I should eat less chocolate ice cream but I'm too weak and greedy and anyway I don't care if I become fat and spotty.
See what I mean? Modal verbs tell us that we are bad people. Bad, bad, bad, very bad indeed. Of course most English grammar books will not tell you this. They'll tell you modal verbs express intention but I know (and so do you) that they are all about guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt.
Of course, I shouldn't be telling you this. I ought to tell you English is a nice language. I could lie to you but what the hell, I don't care. Why should I?
Have you heard of the Freemasons? They are a secret society everybody knows about. They have a secret handshake and lots of secret rules and ceremonies which are not really secret because you can read all about them on the internet.
Did you know there is a secret society of English teachers? Of course not, how could you, it's secret, very secret. It's called SPOD, which is short for Speak English Or Die. SPOD would like to get rid of every language on the planet apart from English. If they could they would force everybody to speak English all the time.
If SPOD ruled here's how it would be. Let's say you are a Spanish person and you live in Madrid. You are out one evening with friends, or people you think are your friends. You are in a bar. Everybody, not just the drunken American backpackers, is speaking English. On the wall is a sign; 'Only English spoken in this establishment.'
You've had a few beers. You know you shouldn't but you lean over to your best friend who you've known your whole life and say you'd like another ... cerveza. Your best friend says, 'Yeah, sure, I'll get you another ... beer.' Your friend talks to one of the waiters. The next thing you know two very big guys grab you and throw you out onto the street.
That is how it would be if SPOD were in charge. You could be fined for using incorrect phrasal verbs in a public place. That could get very expensive. If you were heard making five phrasal verb mistakes in the same day you could lose your driving license. People with really bad grammar could go to prison.
There are some SPOD members, the extremists, who would impose the death penalty for incorrect use of the past perfect continuous and other compound tenses.
These are very, very bad people. They ought to be stopped. But how? They have friends in high places; governments, police forces, the army, the CIA, the BBC.
Not long after I began teaching English I was approached by two members of SPOD. I wouldn't normally talk to two strange men in a bar, particularly not two very big men wearing dark suits and dark glasses. I should have walked away. In fact I tried to walk away but they grabbed me and held me down on the floor.
One of them whispered into my ear, 'if a student were to ask you, how would you spell definitely?' Did you know 'definitely' is one of the most frequently misspelled words in the English language. A lot of people spell it 'definately' which is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I spelled it out, correctly of course. Then the other man pushed a card into my pocket, 'we'd like to hear from you,' he said, 'call the number if you know what's good for you.'
But how could I call them? SPOD, the language n___s. They are scary. They beat up English teachers who can't spell 'definitely'. They even trash their apartments and get them fired from their jobs.
So you should know being an English teacher can be dangerous. A misspelled word could put you in hospital. There are times when I think I should give up teaching. Maybe do a less dangerous job, become a fire fighter maybe.
And then I think of you, my students. What would you do without me, Ellie the world's greatest and most fearless English teacher.

#7 - Modal Verbs may, might
The modal verbs may and might were invented for two reasons.
Reason number one; to annoy people. 'May I ask you a question?' This is very annoying. You could answer, 'no, you may not ask me a question,' but this would be rude. You have to answer 'yes, please do ask me a question. I'd just love to answer it.'
If someone starts a question with 'may I,' you have to agree to whatever they want. It's a trap. For example, you are in a café drinking coffee with your best friend. You're talking about something very private. Maybe you're both cheating on your boyfriends. One seat at your table is free. A big fat man who smells of tobacco approaches the table. 'May I sit here,' he says. You could say, 'no, go and sit somewhere else,' but you'll probably say, 'sure, go ahead.' You'll probably also try to smile. It's really, really annoying.
May and might were also invented to help us avoid people and situations we don't like. A guy is in a restaurant eating lunch. He sees a pretty girl sitting alone. He goes up to her and says, 'may I join you.' Of course the pretty girl has to say, 'yes, please do join me,' because she doesn't want to be rude. So the guy sits down opposite the girl.
Thirty minutes later lunch is finished. The guy says, 'may I pay for your lunch.' The girl says , 'sure, go ahead.' Then the guy says, 'will you be here tomorrow?' The girl says, 'I might be,' or 'I may be,' or maybe just, 'maybe.'
Now, many English teachers will tell you that 'may' and 'might' express probability. Many English teachers will tell you, when someone says, 'I might be here tomorrow,' it means, 'it is possible I will be here tomorrow,' or even 'I will probably be here tomorrow.'
However, guys, let me tell you, when the pretty girl in the restaurant says, 'I might be here tomorrow,' it means, 'I won't be here tomorrow.' There is no chance at all, absolutely none, that she will meet you.
You've paid the bill, she doesn't want to be rude but she doesn't like you. And anyway, she probably already has a boyfriend. She may even have three boyfriends.
Another example. You are moving to a new apartment at the weekend. You ask your very best friend in the whole world if she'll help you. She says, 'if I can, but I might have to visit my mother.' Probability? Possibility? There is no chance at all, none, that your best friend will help you move to your new apartment.
And she didn't. No, Marie does not like carrying boxes. And yes, she does have three boyfriends so the guy in the restaurant had no chance. Marie is very polite. She uses may and might all the time and she usually means 'no'.
Teaching English might seem like an easy job, but let me tell you it isn't. Some English teachers go completely crazy. I used to dream about the fat guy who smelt of tobacco. I was in the café with Marie. She was telling me about the cute guy she met in a restaurant.
'Of course,' Marie says, 'I let him pay, but I already have three boyfriends, so I told him I might meet him again.'
Then the fat guy appears, 'may I sit here,' he says. 'No you may not,' I reply, 'go sit somewhere else.' The fat man pulls out a gun and points it at my head. I wake up sweating.
Later I was told I was suffering from EGS (English Grammar Syndrome). A lot of English teachers suffer from EGS. They spend too much time thinking about English grammar and they go crazy. Totally whacko.
So remember, the next time you ask a question about modal verbs, you may be driving your English teacher crazy. If she laughs and laughs and laughs or pours a bottle of water over your head, she may be suffering from EGS.
If you think your English teacher might be suffering from EGS you should contact ETA. No, no, no I do not mean the Basque terrorist group, I mean English Teachers Anonymous. It's an organization that helps crazy English teachers.
I have to admit I've been to a couple of ETA meetings. I had to stand in front of the group and say, 'I'm Ellie and I'm an English teacher and I suffer from EGS.' Everybody shouts, 'Hello Ellie,' and then they clap. It's really very strange.
Still, I have to say, I did feel better after telling the group about my dream. Everybody listened very carefully. Some of them were crying.
Afterwards a very thin, old woman with gray hair and crazy eyes grabbed my arm.
'I was your age when I first got EGS,' she said, 'you may need six months to recover,' she said, 'you may need six years. You may never recover. Never.' Then she laughed and laughed and laughed.
Teaching English can be dangerous. You could lose your mind or you could lose your life. But I won't let that stop me. I am Ellie and I am an English teacher, the world's greatest English teacher.

#8 - Modal Verbs can, must, have to
Can, can't, to be able, must, have to. These modal verbs tell us what the rules are.
During an English lesson you must keep your trousers on at all times, especially during my English lesson. Only one student of mine has ever taken his trousers off in class. It was not a pretty sight, not at all.
You cannot sing in an art gallery. Of course there is no law that says you cannot sing in an art gallery. But have you ever heard anyone do it? Try it sometime. See how everyone reacts. You'll be thrown out for sure.
My ex-boyfriend Lex liked to sing. His favorite song was 'The Sound Of Music.' You must have heard of it. Remember Julie Andrews? 'The Sound Of Music' has to be sung very loud. It's a rule.
Lex was thrown out of lots of places for singing; the bank, several cafes, his local bread shop, Starbucks. There is rule; you can't sing in a public place. If you do most people think you either want money or you are insane, crazy, mad, totally whacko.
Of course you can hum to yourself. Humming quietly is allowed. You can sing at home in the shower, or while you are ironing. Singing is fine as long as nobody can hear you.
There is another rule. You must not smile at strangers. You can smile at people you know but not too much. If you smile too much your friends will think there's something wrong with you.
My best friend Marie tells me I smile too much. She says I mustn't smile at guys so much. They get the wrong idea. She also says I mustn't smile at old people too much. It frightens them. And I mustn't smile at her too much because it worries her. Also I mustn't smile at children too much because it upsets the parents.
Then of course there are all the things we are not able to do. We are not able to fly which is a pity. Sometimes I'd like to be able to flap my wings and fly away. Other times I'd like to be able to eat three tubs of chocolate ice cream. But I can't. It's just too much, even for me.
The last time I felt like eating three tubs of ice cream was when Carlos took his trousers down in the middle of an English lesson. I was shocked. I thought, 'this cannot be happening.'
Carlos is a nice boy and he wasn't trying to scare me. He wanted to show me a tattoo he has on his left b___ock. Apparently it's an image of an angel and underneath it are the words, 'I love Ellie.' I say apparently because fortunately I didn't actually see it. As soon as I saw his underpants I shouted, 'stop Carlos. You cannot take your trousers down during an English lesson. And you certainly cannot take down your underpants. It's a rule. Two rules actually.'
Supposing you were able to do whatever you wanted? What would you do? Would you run down the street naked and smiling, singing 'The Sound Of Music?'
Suppose we changed the rules and said, 'you can sing wherever and whenever you want and you can sing as loud as you want. Dancing is also allowed.'
Just imagine. It would be like living in a musical. It's a wet winter's day. You're walking down the street. A man opens his umbrella. He begins to dance and sings, 'I'm singing in the rain.' Everybody in the street joins in. Would the world be a better place?
Of course, those people who are not able to sing or dance would feel left out. They might become resentful. They might attack the person who sang 'singing in the rain.' Too much singing could cause civil war.
Also, supposing you were waiting in a long line in a supermarket and the person behind you began to sing, very loudly, 'don't cry for me Argentina.' Would that be annoying? It would be really annoying.
If you like you can write to me and tell about the songs that really annoy you. I'll put a list on the website, 'the world's most hated songs,' or 'songs that should never be sung.'
Of course you don't have to write to me about the songs you really hate. You could tell me about the silliest rule in your country. For example, in Germany, if you visit a friend you have to take cake with you. You absolutely have to. In France you have to kiss everyone you meet. In England you must not kiss anyone in public, not your wife or husband, not your mother and especially not your brother. In Australia, if you're a guy, you have to slap your friend on the back every five minutes and call him 'mate.' Girls don't have to do this.
Of course you don't have to write to me at all. But if you would, or if you could, it would make me a very happy girl.

#9 - Modal Verbs shall, have got to, had better
More mysterious modal verbs. Listen out for shall, have got to, and had better. Of course, strictly speaking, have got to and had better are not modal verbs, but what the hell. Let's live dangerously.
Do you know the story of Cinderella? I just love it when the fairy Godmother says, 'Cinderella you shall go to the ball.' Almost nobody says shall anymore but 'Cinderella you will go to the ball' just doesn't sound right. Shall is old fashioned but so am I.
Cinderella has two very mean stepsisters and a wicked stepmother. Wicked is like mean, but really, really mean. The two stepsisters are going to the prince's ball. They tell Cinderella she has got to stay home and scrub the cellar floor.
A ball is a party for very, very rich people; you know, champagne, orchestra, ballroom dancing, really expensive outfits. A gentleman approaches a lady and says, 'may I have the next dance please?' The lady flutters her eyelashes, 'yes sir, you may.' The gentleman takes the lady by the arm and leads her to the dance floor.
This never happens at English teachers' parties. Never. There is no dance floor and there is no orchestra. Also there are no gentleman.
Anyway, while Cinderella is scrubbing the cellar floor her fairy Godmother appears. She waves her magic wand and Cinderella's rags become a beautiful white dress. And outside a carriage is waiting to take her to the prince's ball.
I wish I had a fairy Godmother who would wave her magic wand and send me to the ball.
Remember though, at midnight the spell wears off, 'you have got to be back by midnight,' the fairy godmother tells Cinderella, 'because at midnight your carriage turns into a pumpkin and your dress turns into rags.'
Most English teachers' parties don't start until midnight. Maybe that's why they're all wearing rags.
So what happens next? Shall I tell you?
Cinderella goes to the ball and dances with the prince. The two stepsisters watch Cinderella dance with the prince but they don't recognize her. She's just too beautiful.
Have you ever read a Superman comic? Lois Lane sees Clark Kent every day and she sees Superman quite often. Clark Kent wears glasses. Superman does not. That's the only difference. You think, wait a minute, Lois has got to be able to see Clark and Superman are the same person. But she never does. Unbelievable. You have got to be kidding!
Anyway, I had better get back to Cinderella.
Of course the prince falls in love with Cinderella. Not only that, the prince is single, available and looking for a wife. Remember this is a fairy tale. But even in a fairy tale finding a prince is not so easy. Cinderella looks at the clock, it's almost midnight, 'oh no,' she thinks, 'I have got to be home by midnight, I had better be going.' She runs away from her prince, but, fortunately, a shoe falls from her foot. And, guess what, the prince finds it.
The shoe is actually a glass slipper. Can you imagine that? A glass slipper has got to be really uncomfortable. How do you dance in a glass slipper? Supposing it breaks.
The next day, Cinderella is back in the cellar, scrubbing the floor, wearing rags. The prince arrives at the house. He's got the glass slipper and he's looking for the woman he danced with at the ball.
Both the really mean stepsisters try on the shoe. It doesn't fit either of them. It doesn't fit the wicked stepmother either. Cinderella comes upstairs to see what's going on. Of course, as soon as the prince sees Cinderella he thinks, 'this has got to be the same woman.' Even though she's wearing rags the prince recognizes Cinderella. This is more realistic than Superman.
The prince hands Cinderella the glass slipper, 'you'd better try it on,' he says. Of course the slipper fits perfectly. The prince says, 'you have got to come away with me, marry me, be my wife.'
In real life, of course, a prince does not fall in love with a cleaning lady, no matter how pretty she is. A prince may have an affair with a cleaning lady, but he'd better not try to marry her. It would not be allowed.
Do you think a prince would be allowed to marry an English teacher? Shall I tell you what I think? It's very unlikely. Very unlikely indeed.
If you do know about a prince who married an English teacher you have got to write and tell me about it.
And, even better, if you know a prince who's looking for an English teacher you'd better write to me straight away and give me his email address.
Maybe this time the shoe will fit.

#10 - Modal Verbs - a mixture!
Okay, this time we are playing spot the modal verb. I could tell you what to look out for. But that would be no fun at all. Would it? As you must know by now, Ellie's English is all about having fun, fun, fun and even more fun.
I went to my ETA meeting last night. Yes, that's English Teachers Anonymous and not the Basque terrorist group.
One of the teachers, Darlene, told the group that she can't stop correcting her friends' English. You see, even native English speakers make mistakes. I believe it is an English teacher's duty to correct those mistakes. But Darlene sees it differently. She says a teacher should correct errors inside the classroom only. When she's not working she wants to be ordinary, little Darlene. Not Darlene the English teacher.
Can you imagine me being ordinary little Ellie and not Ellie the world's greatest English teacher. Hard to imagine, isn't it?
Anyway, here's what happened. Darlene was in a café waiting for a guy. I can't say what her relationship to the guy is because I don't know. They could be friends, just friends, or they may be having s__ three times a day. I really don't know.
Anyway, the guy, Jeremy, calls Darlene and says, 'where are you, I am stood outside the café. I've been here for ...' Darlene didn't let Jeremy get to the end of his sentence.
'You are standing outside the café,' she said, 'you are not stood outside the café.'
Of course, I have to say, Darlene was absolutely correct, grammatically. Definitely. Unfortunately Jeremy didn't care about the grammar.
'Where are you?' he said.
'I am sitting inside the café,' Darlene said, ' did you hear that? You are standing outside the café and I am sitting inside the café. Not, I am sat inside the café and you are stood outside. That is wrong, wrong, wrong.'
I agree, Darlene might have been more tactful. Jeremy was very annoyed. He came into the café and stood in front of Darlene's table.
'Would you mind telling me where I am now?' he said. Jeremy is a graduate of Cambridge University so sometimes his sentences are quite complicated. I should say though, a graduate of one of England's most famous universities should not make grammatical errors. He ought to know better.
'You are standing in front of table,' Darlene said.
By now the situation was very tense. It was made worse when a guy at the next table said, 'She's right. You are not stood in front of the table. Stood is wrong.'
'Oh really, and who might you be?' Jeremy asked.
'My name is Pablo,' the guy said, 'I am learning English. My teacher is called Ellie. You may have heard of her. She is the world's greatest English teacher.'
It's true, Pablo is my student, and his English is pretty good. And he was, of course, absolutely right.
That may have been why Jeremy punched him on the nose. Unfortunately, Pablo is not just an English student, he's also an amateur boxer. So he punched Jeremy back. In fact Pablo punched Jeremy several times.
Jeremy had to spend the night in hospital and Darlene felt it was all her fault.
'I shouldn't have corrected his grammar,' she said.
I think Jeremy should pay more attention to his grammar. Of course nobody should be punched for making a mistake with their English but a Cambridge graduate ought to know better than to say, 'I am stood.'
This is what I told Darlene.
Darlene says having to correct grammar outside class is like an illness. It's like having to wash your hands every five minutes or having to tidy up all the time.
'The world is not a perfect place,' Darlene says, 'we cannot expect to hear perfect English all the time. Not even from a graduate of Cambridge University.'
It's a point of view. She may be right. But, for example, if someone said to you, 'two plus two is five,' what would you do? Would you think, sure that's fine, he thinks two plus two is five. I don't care. Or would you say, 'excuse me, I might be wrong, but I believe two plus two is four.'
If mathematical errors can be corrected why can't grammatical errors also be corrected?
If your best friend said to you, 'Paris is the capital of the United States of America,' what would you do? Would you nod and say nothing? I don't think you would.
If geographical errors can be corrected why not grammatical errors also?
The fact is nobody likes to wrong. And everybody hates to be corrected. It would be nice, wouldn't it, if everybody could be right all the time? But everybody can't be right all the time.
That's why we need teachers.