Jeff Foxworthy 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Lyrics

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
And I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life,
Well my wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws,
And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause."

"Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause,
And you ain't takin me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "Well, that might've been me, just whats he look like?

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister, Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, and tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she'd seen one of them UFOs.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well I ran out to look and the sight made me shutter,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well, my hands were a-shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop it, fat boy, hands up in the air."
But he went 'bout his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well, he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's a__ault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court."

"Sheriff, I'll tell you this: you put a subpoena
on me I ain't gonna show up.
I ain't gonna show up.
I'll hole up in the cellar, you'll never rout me outta there.
So why don't say we forget all this.
We've known each other a long time.
You just turn the car off, come in we'll watch wrestling eat some
Easter bunny stew, and talk about howta catch that tooth fairy.
She's been over here about every other night.