'San Francisco.

'Town city of gleaming spires.
People live here.

'Golden Gate Bridge.

'The Romans came here.
They built buildings with things.

'Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird.

'And convicts.'

(# Spooky modern jazz)

'Criminal element.
San Francisco is no exception.

'Criminals who look quite ordinary

'but are more criminal
than you could ever guess.

'l'm taken in their
prison transportation, down, down,

'towards Alcatraz.

'Once a Native American paradise,

'where people worshipped
the gods of the Native Americans.

'But now a prison,
as the guard tightens the chains

'and signals to the people
and prison wardens of Alcatraz -

'prisoners coming, prisoners coming!

'The torture gear there.
He tightens the chains

'as the man in the back says,
"No more drugs for you.

'"You can't afford any till Tuesday."

'Yes, drugs are rife.

'Everyone here
is in for a big old crime.

'The woman in red,
she's in for stealing hubcaps.

'What a hellish crime!

'She will never see her family
again. They've been sent somewhere.

'But they try
to keep their spirits up.

'Gallows humor, yes,
it happens in all prisons. Alcatraz.

'As the FBI agent
takes photos of likely troublemakers,

'the guard signals again -
"for God's sake, prisoners coming!"

'Coming now. Prisoners.

'Prisoners coming, coming,
coming through. Pris... Pris...

'People holding on to bananas
as more drugs money is exchanged

'for favors and drugs, mainly.

'The FBI woman takes a close-up
photo of somebody's kneecaps.

'How tight can chains be pulled,
for God's sake? Alcatraz.'

I started here in '

and I got years plus a few months.

ln years I've found out people
from everywhere are all the same.

'Freddie Dingo there,
a few wise words from him.

'FBI agent looks on as
the woman in red stares - in terror.

'The prisoners
are led off, off to Alcatraz

'as special FBI agents check
the prison transportation vehicle

'to make sure no one has
Sellotaped themselves to the ceiling

'or hidden underneath,
disguised as a wheel.

'Freddie and Jeff Stinger here,
famous bank robbers,

'being taken to Alcatraz
at the end of their life.

'Alcatraz. ln the sun, it's almost
pretty. lt's got a lighthouse.

'And a big thing at the back
that looks like a monster.

'But no, it's Alcatraz.

'Once an island paradise,
now a penitentiary.

'Tonight's show is brought to you
by the prisoners of Alcatraz.'

(Cheering and applause)

ln heels, as well. Yeah.

Yes, I'm a professional transvestite

so I can run about in heels
and not fall over.

If women fall over in heels,
that's embarrassing

but if a bloke falls over in heels,
you have to kill yourself.

End of your life.
It's quite difficult.

So, San Francisco.
# San Francisco, San Francisco! ?

Not San Fran, no, apparently not.

I didn't know,
I would've said San Fran

but you'd go,
"We don't like San Fran. f___ it."

Or what's the other one?
Frisco, you don't like that, either.

(Audience hissing)

And you're a city of snakes, I see.

(Hisses)

Everyone goes to a gig
with a snake in their bag.

No other cities have snakes
as much as you.

New York, no f___ing snakes.
Paris, London, no snakes.

San Francisco,
full of f___ing snakes!

(Hisses)

We did that at school.

So you can call it "the City".

The City.

OK, and you don't
tell tourists about, er..

the weather in July and August.
You don't f___ing tell anyone.

They're all going round in
summer shirts going, "Jesus Christ.

"I can't see! I can't see!

"Fog, there's fog!"

And it really shifts it, your fog.

I saw John Carpenter's film The Fog
and that fog shifts it.

I thought, "That's Hollywood -
fog moving fast."

But your fog is that speed.

Busy, busy, busy.

It could be late
to get in someone's face somewhere.

It runs down the road, doesn't it?

Boom! Whoosh! Nyyyaoum!

Faster than the f___ing taxis!

Of which there are five.

(Laughter, cheering and applause)

I don't know what that's about.

You're a no-taxi city, aren't you?

Five taxis, all going,
"I got people in."

Hours. Nyyyaaaoum, nyaaoum, nyaoum.

Then when you get in,
they don't know where they're going.

I had to tell the guy,
"Get in the back, l'll drive."

He's sitting in the back going,
"I don't know.

"I've only lived here
four million years."

Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on
and becomes a rhesus monkey.

No one talks on a cable car,
they just hang and stare.

The guy in the front, no steering
wheel, going, "What the f___?

"What the f___'s this one?"

Pulling levers, levers.

Is it four levers
that just do f___ all?

He's always ringing that bell,
going, "Help! Help!" Ding-ding-ding!

Endless bell-ringing. What is he,
the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

The bells.

Him and the guy from the
stock market are the same person.

At the end of the stock market,
they ring a bell. lt's the same bell.

(Quiet chuckling)

Never link those two together again.

(Big laugh)

So, I was going to be in the army
when I was a kid.

Yes. I say that and people go,
"Oh, yeah, yeah."

I was going to be in the army.

Cos if you're a transvestite,
you're actually a male tomboy.

It's not drag queen.
Gay men have got that covered.

And this is male tomboy.

People get that mixed up.
They put transvestite there. No!

Bit of a crowbar separation,
thank you.

Gay men I think would agree.

It's male lesbian.
That's really where it is.

Because...

It's true, most transvestites
fancy women, that's where it is.

Running, jumping, climbing trees,

putting on make-up when
you're up there, that's where it is.

I used to keep all my make-up
in a squirrel hole up the tree.

The squirrel would keep make-up
on one side, nuts on the other.

Sometimes that squirrel
would be covered in make-up.

"# La-la, la-laaa... ?

"Oh, ooh!

"What?

"f___ off."

He seemed to say.

Squirrels always eat nuts
with two hands.

Occasionally they stop and go...

As if they're going,
"Did I leave the gas on?

"No, I'm a f___ing squirrel."

And occasionally they go,
"f___ing nuts!

"I'm fed up with them, always.
I long for a grapefruit."

Yeah. So that's very much
like the army. And, erm...

(Laughter)

The running, jumping,
climbing trees, not the squirrel bit.

And I was into
a lot of the army stuff -

running, jumping, standing still,
"found you!", flag, hat.

Bang! I liked all that stuff.
I liked blowing up milk bottles.

Kill the milk bottles,
explode them, yes.

It seemed fun,
it was a thing of power.

There's all this
National Rifle a__ociation here.

-year-olds get hold of weapons
from their grandfather's a___nal.

"I'll borrow the Howitzer,
the M- machine gun, the Uzi..."

What the f___'s
the grandfather doing?

This kid in Arkansas helped himself
to a ton of military weapons

and went and blew away his school.

The NRA says that
guns don't kill people, people do.

But I think the gun helps.

I think it helps.
Standing there going, "Bang!"

That's not gonna kill
too many people, is it?

He'd have to be really dodgy
on the heart...

Bang! Bang! Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat!

Boom! Bang!

I think they should just try that.

But shooting clay pigeons,
yeah, go for that.

Clay pigeons are f___ers!

Come round your house,
whizz through... Fffoooh! Fffoooh!

They do nothing,
they don't even eat flies.

Spiders eat flies
so they're all right, keep them.

Flies don't eat f___ all
so kill them.

Clay pigeons get shot in the air.
Wait till they land!

Then go up to the clay pigeon...

Much easier.

Yeah. So I didn't join the army,
as you might have noticed.

And, er... Yeah. Cos there's not much
make-up in the army.

They only have that night-time look
and that's a bit slapdash.

And they look a mess.

You can't join. Even though
the American armed forces

have a distinct policy of
"don't ask, don't tell",

if you're a bloke wearing a lot of
make-up, they don't need to ask.

So you can't join.

They go, "No, it's the wrong
shade of lipstick for the army."

They're missing a huge opportunity,

because one of the main elements
of attack is the element of surprise.

So what could be more surprising

than the st Battalion
Transvestite Brigade?

Airborne wing. The airborne wing
parachuting into dangerous areas

with fantastic make-up
and a fantastic gun.

The opposing force is going,
"f___ing hell, look at these guys.

"Look at that.

"They've got guns!
Jesus, where's my gun?

"Ah, b_____.

"I was so surprised.
Were you surprised?"

Anyway. So yes, so...
# Do-doo do-doo do-doo, bom-bom ?

And transvestites get lumped
into that weirdo grouping.

There was a guy in the Bronx
when I was in New York,

he was living in a cave, like you do,

and he was coming out
and shooting at geese,

a lot of weird things
going on with him.

ln his cave, the police found
a collection of women's shoes.

They said, "He's a transvestite."
But he's a weirdo transvestite.

I'm much more in
the executive transvestite area.

We travel the world,
it's more executive.

J Edgar Hoover,
what a f___head he was.

They found out he was
a transvestite and they go,

"That explains his weird behavior."

Yeah, f___ing weirdo transvestite.

Executive transvestite.

It's a wider community,
more wide than you'd think.

Yes. And, erm...

I grew up in Europe,
where the history comes from.

Oh, yes.

You tear your history down, man.

"It's years old, let's smash it
and put a car park here."

I have seen it in stories.

I saw a program
on something in Miami.

"We've redecorated this building
to how it looked over years ago."

People are going,
"No, surely not! No!

"No one was alive then."

We've got tons of history
lying about. Big old castles.

They just get in the way.

"There's a f___ing castle,
l'll have to drive around."

Disney came over
and built Euro Disney.

They built the Disney castle there.

Everyone was like, "Make it bigger,
they've actually got them here.

"And they're not made of plastic."

We've got tons of them. You think
we all live in castles and we do.

We've got a castle each.
We're up to here with castles.

We just long for a bungalow
or something.

I grew up in the ' s. The careers
advisor used to come to school.

He'd tell the kids, "I advise you
to get a career, what can I say?"

He took me aside and said,
"Tell me your dreams."

"I want to be an astronaut,
discover new things."

He said, "Look, you're British,
so scale it down a bit."

"All right, I want to work
in a shoe shop, then.

"Discover shoes that no one's ever
discovered in the back of the shop."

"Look, you're British,
so scale it down a bit."

"All right, I want to work
in a sewer, then.

"And discover sewage
no one's ever discovered

"and pile it on my head, surface
and sell myself to an art gallery."

He said, "What the f___
have you been smoking?

"You certainly haven't been smoking
in a bar in California."

Cos you can't!
No smoking in bars now

and soon, no drinking and no talking.

(Cheering and applause)

Be careful, California. You're
supposed to be the crazy state.

ln future you'll say, "Come down
the library, we'll have a wild time."

"I don't know where that f___ing
book is, it could be anywhere.

"There's a lot of them about."

Yeah, so... So yes, so, er...

There was a spirit of ex-empire,
that things can't be done.

ln America, I felt there was
a spirit of "can be done".

"Go, do it! What do you want to do?"

"I want to put babies on spikes."
"Go, then!

"Go, what a wonderful idea.
It's the American Dream!"

"Hi, I'm crazy Eddie.

"I put babies on spikes.

"Do you want a rack of babies?
We've got babies on racks.

"Mmmm...

"They taste of chicken."

They do! Babies taste of chicken.

Cannibals say human flesh tastes
of chicken so babies must too.

- And chickens taste of humans.
- (Nervous laughter)

Good. I'm glad you're
coming with me on that.

Yes, so, erm...

This is all true. And, erm...
So, yeah.

So everyone had empires in Europe.
France and Spain and Britain.

Turkey, the Ottoman Empire,
full of furniture, for some reason.

And the Austro-Hungarian Empire,
famous for f___ all!

Yes, all they did was slowly
collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

The Germans, very organized,
always built an empire.

Eins, zwei, eins, zwei.
Very Prussian.

Then they'd celebrate
with a World War,

then lose the whole f___ing empire
by the end of the war.

The ' s. Hitler,
Czechoslovakia, Poland, France,

Second World War,
Russian front not a good idea.

Hitler never played Risk
when he was a kid.

ln Risk, you could never keep Asia.

That Asian-Eastern European area,
you could never hold it.

Seven extra men in every go
but you couldn't f___ing hold it.

Australasia was the one.
All the purples.

Get everyone on Papua New Guinea
and just build up and up.

And Hitler ended up in a ditch,
covered in petrol, on fire.

So that's fun.

I think that's funny. Cos he was
a mass-murdering f___head.

And that was his honeymoon as well.
Double trouble.

"Eva, let's marry."
"Where should we honeymoon?"

"ln a ditch, covered in petrol,
on fire. I've already arranged it."

"Oh, how romantic, Adolf."
"Yes, I thought."

Fun. What a b______.
He was a vegetarian and a painter.

He must've said,
"I can't get ze f___ing trees...

"d___!
I will kill everyone in the world!"

He was a mass-murdering f___head,
as many historians have said.

And, erm...

But others got away with it.

Stalin killed many millions.
Died in his bed. Well done there.

Pol Pot killed
. million Cambodians.

Died under house arrest, age .
Well done, indeed.

They got away with it
because they killed their own people.

We're sort of fine with that.

"Oh, help yourself.

"We've been trying to kill you
for ages, so kill your own people."

Seems to be.

Hitler killed people next door.
Ohhh. Stupid man.

After a couple of years
we won't stand for that, will we?

Pol Pot killed . million people.
We can't even deal with that.

If somebody kills someone,
you go to prison.

You kill people, you go to Texas,
they hit you with a brick.

people, they look through
a hospital window at you forever.

Over that, we can't deal with it.

Someone who's killed people,
we're almost going, "Well done.

"You killed ? You must
get up very early in the morning.

"I can't even get down the gym!

"Your diary must look odd. 'Get up
in the morning, death, death, death,

'"lunch...

'"death, death, death,
afternoon tea, death...

'"quick shower..."'

So I suppose we're glad
that Pol Pot's under house arrest.

. million people,
at least we know where he is.

Just don't go in that f___ing house.

I know people
who'd love to be under house arrest.

They bring you your food.
"Just stay here? All right."

(Hums laconically)

"Have you got any videos?"
You just sit there all day.

Pol Pot was a history teacher
and Hitler was a vegetarian painter.

Mass murderers come from
the areas you least expect it.

I don't know how the flip comes over
but it happens.

So we built up empires.

We stole countries,
that's how you build an empire.

We stole countries
with the cunning use of flags.

You sail round the world
and stick a flag in them.

"I claim lndia for Britain!"

They're going, "You can't claim us,
we live here. million of us."

"Do you have a flag?"

"We don't need a b_____ flag.
It's our country, you b______."

"No flag, no country,
you can't have one.

"That's the rules
that I've just made up.

"And I'm backing it up with this gun
that was lent from the NRA."

That was it.

Queen Victoria became Empress
of lndia. She never even went there.

She was one of our
more frumpy queens.

They're all frumpy, aren't they?

Because it's a bad idea
when cousins marry.

Bottom of the gene pool,
you're scraping the barrel.

"I haven't got enough
for any more of you royals, sorry."

First rule of genetics,
spread the genes apart.

But the royals are obsessed.
"Are you royal?

"Then you can marry me
and our lQs will go down the toilet."

Fantastic.
That's why there's no crazy royals.

"Hello, what do you do? You're
a plumber? What on earth is that?"

So, yeah. After the Second World War,
that's when the empires dissolved.

We came first in the war but we were
financially f___ed by the end.

Cos for a time
it was just us and the n___s.

They'd been making weapons for ages.

We were going, "Get the tanks out!"
"We haven't got any."

"Get that ice cream van out, then."

"Kill!"
"All right, oh, f___ it.

"f___ off."

"Everything!
Just throw everything at them!

"Orange Fruities and Zooms,
throw the Zooms!

"f___ off, you b______!

"Pots and pans!
Throw the pots and pans at them!"

By the time America came in -
you were watching a US cavalry film.

The US cavalry always comes in
towards the end of the film.

"OK, let's go, America."
(Sings fanfare)

"I love the smell of Europe
in the morning. How are you?"

We were going,
"f___ing hell, where've you been?"

"Having breakfast.

"So, what's going on?"

America did well.
Russia did well, and deservedly so.

Half a million American
and British soldiers died

and about million
Russian soldiers and civilians died.

That's times as many.
It's unbelievable.

And no one mentions this.
These are figures I discovered.

Napoleon had been steaming in
years before - "I'm gonna kill them!

"Ooh, it's a bit cold!

"Right. OK, bad idea."

And then Hitler -
"I've got a better idea!

"Oh, it's the same idea."

No wonder they set up the
Eastern bloc, for a buffer zone.

So that's where they're coming from.

About million n___ Germans died
but they did start it.

And, er... Yeah. So it was that.

And Southern France collaborated
with the Germans, embarrassing,

so since then they've been
kind of spiky and kind of French.

I'm very positive on the French.
My family way back was French.

I go with it but they are kind of
f___ing French at times.

"All of Europe, you must do this."
"Well, we're not gonna.

"We're gonna have a sandwich."

And Germany and j__an
seem to have a natural instinct

in a very generalized way,
for organization and being military

but there's a strong Green Party
there, kids with beards, it's OK.

And, er...

I think j__an and Germany should be
the peacekeepers of the world.

They should be parachuted in
whenever something breaks out.

"Look, we've done the killing
before, take it from us,

"just chill...chill out, all right?"

They organize peace really quickly.

"Peace, peace, peace.
Peace is organized."

It'd be brilliant.
That's their destiny, man. Yeah.

ltaly invented Fascism in .

Mussolini said, "We're all Fascists."

But most ltalian people are
always on scooters going, "Ciao."

They're into football and life
and they're not Fascists.

"We're all Fascists."
"All right. Ciao."

No helmet on.

Those ' s films like Roman Holiday,
it's like that. Everyone's cool.

After World War ll the world said,
"Europe, give these countries back.

"Let's give them back. Britain?"
"What?"

"What's that behind your back?"
"lndia and some other countries."

"Give them back."
"Oh, all right.

"There's that one and that one."

"Falkland lslands."
"Oh, we need the Falkland lslands

"for strategic sheep purposes."

And then it was a case of
no empire, no longer.

But in America, it was different.

The founding fathers landed
in ... (Mumbles)

They left from Plymouth and landed
in Plymouth. How lucky is that?

"Is this Plymouth?
We've just come from Plymouth.

"We've gone round in a circle, lads,
back on the boats."

They said, "This is where our God
has brought us to.

"We can practice our religion,
raise a family.

"There's nobody here. Excuse me.

"Nobody here. Yes,
a land empty of human existence.

"Who the f___ are these guys?

"What's all this, please?

"No, we don't want any of
your food, thank you very much.

"Just put some clothes on."

Meanwhile, that winter...

"Excuse me, do you have any food?

"I love all this, lovely idea."

(Laughs nervously)

"I'm sorry we were a bit brusque
when we first arrived.

"We didn't realize
you owned the entire country.

"But you have no system
of ownership? Mm. lnteresting.

"That'll be useful later.
Food, thank you very much.

"There's more of us coming
but we'll keep our promises."

So the government lied to the
Native Americans for many years.

Then President Clinton lied about
a lover and everyone was surprised.

A little naive, I feel.

As kids we lied our heads off.

"I didn't do it.
I was dead at the time.

"I was on the moon. With Steve."

Your dad's going,
"I haven't accused you yet."

"Oh, all right. What...what's...
what's the ques...? l... What?"

"Did you brush your teeth?"
"No. Yes. What's correct?

"I was dead at the time."

Then when you're more mature,
you start telling the truth.

"I've broken a glass.
Is it expensive?

"I'll pay for that. I'm sorry."

You do that so people might go,
"What a strong personality.

"I like to have s__ with people
with strong personalities."

"I broke other things,
I smashed that.

"That's gone and I've just
thrown the cat out the window."

Ooh, yeah.

So perjury. But if you commit
perjury, I don't care.

You have Murder One, Murder Two.

There can be a difference
in the level of murder.

So perjury's the same.

Perjury One is saying there was no
Holocaust when millions died in it.

Perjury Nine is when you said you
s___ged someone when you didn't.

Swing with it.

(Hums) So, yeah, so...

ln America
the Native American situation

and slavery didn't do very well.

ln Europe we've got a new thing,
the European Union.

million people, languages,

no one's got a clue
what they're saying to each other.

It's the cutting edge of politics
in an extraordinarily boring way.

We've got different countries
in the European Union.

And trying to get them
to decide anything is a bit...

"Back up. Oh, you're...
I'm with... You're with him?"

For years we had a right-wing
government in Britain

and their policy towards Europe
was, "No! No! No! I can't....

"# La la-la-la-la-la-la
laa-laa la-la-la ?"

Now our government is much more,
"Bonjour! Hola! Takk! Da!"

(lmitates banjo playing)

Brrrrmmm.... "Ciao!"

Britain needs to be
in the driving seat of Europe.

Or in the passenger seat, that's OK.
Then you can sleep for a bit.

"Are we there yet?"

At the moment, Britain
isn't even in the European car.

We're at the traffic lights, going,
"We're gonna clean your windows."

Yes. And we had
the pagans in Britain.

You didn't really have pagans,
you had the Native Americans

and it was more of a warrior,
aboriginal-type existence.

The pagans
were into s__, death and religion

in an interesting,
night-time telly type of way.

And the druids!
Long robes, long beards,

early transvestites,
didn't get their shaving together.

They built Stonehenge, one of
the biggest henges in the world.

No one's built a henge
like that ever since.

No one knows
what the f___ a henge is.

Before Stonehenge there was
Woodhenge and Strawhenge.

But, er...

But a big, bad wolf
came and blew them down

and three little piggies
were relocated to the projects.

But they built Stonehenge
in an area called Salisbury Plain

in the south of England. And
Salisbury Plain where they built it

is very... (Eerie chanting)

# Ooooooh-ohhhh-oooooh ?

It's a mystical thing,
build it in a mystical area.

You don't wanna build it
in an area that's - ? Ya-ta-da-dah!

# Hup-doo-doo-doo,
dup-dee-doo-doo! ?

There you build Trump Tower.

Erm...

And the stones are foot high,
foot long, foot deep

and other measurements as well!

And the stones
are not from round there.

Remember, this is BC...ers-ders-thfm.

This is before the BC-AD changeover

when everyone was going,
"Is it AD yet?"

You didn't wind your watch back,
you had to get a new watch.

"Oh, it's AD, is it? f___ing hell."

And the Muslim people going,
"AD? Who's he?"

- (Man laughing heartily)
- Yes.

Good laugh there.

The stones are from miles away,
in Wales.

These guys were carving the rocks
out of a very living mountain.

(Welsh accent) "Fantastic! Building
a henge, are we? Fantastic.

"Marvelous religion
the druids have got,

"a lot of white clothing,
I like that."

They'd smash out a huge stone,
put tree trunks down to roll it on.

"Walk it along, here we go."

Boom!

"Help you push them along?
All right. lt's not far, is it?"

And the druids going,
"Heave, everyone!

"Well done, everyone,
you're doing very well.

"You'll love it when you see it,
l've seen some of the drawings."

After miles - "You b______s!
You never told us miles!

" miles in this day and age?
I don't even know where I live now!

"I wish the Christians
would hurry up and get here."

They set the stones up
and the druids are tinkering.

"That stone and this one,
can we swap them round?"

Then came the Romans with their gods
that they'd borrowed from the Greeks.

They conquered Greece
and stole their gods

and renamed them with Roman names.

The Roman gods before were c___.
Geoff, the god of biscuits.

And Simon, the god of hairdos.

They had the god of war,
the god of thunder,

the god of running around
and jumping.

"Let's get some of those!
Thank God, cos we had c___ gods."

Yes. The emperor Fabulus
put that into operation.

There should've been
an Emperor Fabulus.

"I am the Emperor Fabulus!"
"Oh, yes, so you are."

"And my son, Fabulus ll.

"And him...really interesting guy."

So, yeah.
And the Romans went Christian

and then we had Christianity
for about years.

Catholicism, we believed
in the teachings of Cathol

and everything he stood for.

Then Henry Vlll came along,
a big hairy king.

Erm... And, er...
He said to the Pope,

"Mr Pope, I'm going to marry
my first wife, then divorce her.

"I know what you're gonna say
but stick with me, it gets better.

"I'm gonna marry my second wife
and cut her head off!

"Not expecting that, are you?

"Third wife, shoot her.
Fourth wife, put her in a bag.

"Fifth into s___e.
Sixth on a Rotissomat.

"Seventh made out of jam.
Eighth wife..."

And the Pope's going,
(ltalian accent) "You crazy b_____!

"What are you, a Mormon?
You can't marry all these people!

"That's illegal.

"You can't do this.
I'm head of the Church...

"Ciao.

"I have to keep up standards.

"What have you been reading,
the Gospel according to St b______?"

So Henry Vlll, who was
Sean Connery for this film...

(lmitates Connery) "Then I will set
up a new religion in this country.

"I will set up a religion,
the Psychotic b______ religion."

And an advisor said,
"Why not call it Church of England?"

"Church of England, actually.
Much better.

"Even though I am Scottish myself."

That's the birth of Church
of England, the Anglican church.

Disgusting. That's no basis
to start a religion on.

Nothing to do with
the Protestant church.

Henry just s___ged and killed
a lot of women

and stole all the money off the
monasteries. Rape and pillage.

The Protestant faith
started around a similar time.

That was about Martin Luther,
a German,

who pinned a note on a church,
saying, "Hang on a minute!"

But in German, so,
"Ein Minuten, bitte.

"lch habe einen kleinen problemo
avec diese Religione."

He was from everywhere.

So, yeah.

The Protestant faith was tacked on
by Elizabeth I a bit later.

"Oh, some principles, thank God."

Now Church of England is more,
"How are you?"

More of a hobby type - "Hellooo."

Lots of people in Church of England
have no muscles in their arms.

(Chuckles)

"Yes, that's what I thought.

"Do come in,
you're the only one today.

"Now, the sermon today is from
a magazine that I found...

"that I found in a hedge.

"Now, lipstick colors this season

"are in the frosted pink area
and nail colors to match.

"And, er...this reminds me rather
of our Lord Jesus.

"Because surely, when Jesus
went into Nazareth on a donkey

"he must have got tarted up a bit.

"We will now sing hymn

"O God, What On Earth
Is My Hairdo All About?"

(Drearily) ? O God,
what on earth is my hai-airdo... ?

There's something phenomenally
dreary about Christian singing.

The gospel singers
are the only ones that go crazy.

It's amazing, and it's borne
out of kidnapping, imprisonment,

slavery, murder, all of that,
and this joyous singing.

And the Church of England,
all the Christian religions,

which is mainly Caucasian
white people with power and money,

enough to make Solomon blush,
they're all singing...

(Dirge-like)
# O God, our help in ages past

# Our hope for years to... ?

They're the only people that
can sing hallelujah without feeling.

# Haaallelujah

# Haaaalleeelujah

# Joyfully we...

# Lark abooouuut ?

- (Applause)
- And...

(Applause continues)

No, it's...
It's just not kicking, is it?

God must be up there going,
"What on earth is that?"

God, who is James Mason,
"What on earth is that, Jesus?

"Jesus Christ,
what on earth is that?"

"Don't take my name in vain, Dad."

"Jeezy Chreezy,
what on earth is that?"

"Don't call me Jeezy Chreezy either.

"I went down,
told them to hang out, drink wine,

"they split into groups -
Catholics, Protestants,

"Jesuits, Methodists, Evangelicals,
Free Presbyterians,

"the Locked-Up Presbyterians.

"The Quakers, the Bakers,
the Candlestick Makers.

"The Mormons are from Mars,
Dad, we've had it checked out."

"What does the Holy Ghost
think of all this?"

"He's useless,
got a sheet over his head."

"Whoooo...Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost!

"Holy Gho-o-o-ost!"

"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode
of s_____-Doo."

"I would've succeeded if it wasn't
for that pesky God and Jesus."

s___gy and s_____
are interesting characters,

two of the most major characters
in American literature.

I think it's fantastic, because
they are cowardly characters.

They believe in cowardice
and sandwiches.

Can you think of any in the realm
of English-speaking literature,

cowardly characters
that you identify with?

You're with them all the way -
"Go, s___gy! Go, s_____!"

The rest of the guys
who drive the van? "f___ off."

Scrappy-Doo - a Magnum.

Boom!

"Thank you, Grandad."

(Delayed laughter)

Well remembered.

If you can think of any other
character, I'm willing to learn.

Somebody said Falstaff,
a Shakespearean character.

It's that level of greatness.

Falstaff you sort of identify with
but he's melancholy.

But s___gy and s_____
are upbeat all the time.

"Rrroh, rroh, s___gy, s_____ Snack!
Rrroww-wow-wow!!"

You love them, you're with them.

There's part of us that's
s___gy and s_____ at every stage.

So if you travel round the world -

your American foreign policy
does give you a difficult time -

two tricks.
One, say you're Canadian. That helps.

It works in Europe, it's very good.

The second is say,
"s___gy and s_____."

They go, "s___gy and s_____?"

lnternational credit card.

So, yeah.

So the pagan religion,
it was this earthy thing.

But Christianity
is split into many areas.

Catholicism still has the fire and
brimstone - ? Boom-boom boom-boom

"Row, you b______s!"

Original sin - what a hellish idea.

"Father, bless me,
for I have sinned.

"I did an original sin,
I poked a badger with a spoon."

"I've never heard
of that one before.

"Five Hail Marys
and two Hello Dollys."

"All right."

"Bless me, for I slept with
my neighbor's wife."

"Heard it.

"I want an original sin."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry."

Anglicans don't have that.

"Vicar, I've done many bad things."
"Well, so have l."

"What shall I do?"

"Drink five b_____ marys
and you won't remember."

Because the Anglican faith had
a lack of principles for a long time,

you can't get really
headstrong about it.

Like the lslamic jihads
we hear about. We get scared.

We a__ume that everyone
who is into the lslamic religion

is having a jihad
every other b_____ day.

There's a lot of very relaxed
lslamic people, remember this.

We a__ume every day three jihads
are issued by every individual.

It seems they're everywhere.

"The fruit shop short-changed me.
A f___ing jihad on them."

b__p into someone.
"Hey! f___ing jihad on you!"

"How many jihads is that, Dad?"
" . I can't keep up with them."

I don't think that's happening.

You can't do that
in Church of England.

"You must have tea and cake
with the Vicar or you die!"

The Spanish lnquisition wouldn't
have worked with Church of England.

"Talk!"
"But it hurts."

"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you?"

That's what it would be, tea and cake
or death. "Tea and cake or death!

"Tea and cake or death!"
Students with beards.

"Little red cookbook!
Little red cookbook!"

Cake or death, that's easy.
Anyone can answer that.

"Cake or death?"

"Cake, please."

"Very well! Give him cake."

"Thanks very much. lt's very nice."

"You. Cake or death?"

"Cake for me, too, please."

"Very well. Give him cake, too.

"We're gonna run out of cake
at this rate.

"You. Cake or death?"

"Death, please.
No, cake, cake, sorry."

"You said death first. Death first."
"No, I meant cake."

"Oh, all right.

"You're lucky I'm Church of England.

"Cake or death?"
"Cake, please."

"We're out of cake!

"We only had three bits
and we didn't expect such a rush.

"So what do you want?"
"So my choice is 'or death'?

"I'll have the chicken, then."

"Tastes of human, sir.

"Would you like a white wine?
There we go.

"Thank you for flying
Church of England. Cake or death?"

"I asked for the vegetarian."

"There we go, Mr. Hitler.

"Like a little wine?
Thank you, you n___ s___head."

So, yes.

The pagans had big festivals
on Easter and Christmas.

Christians had big festivals
at Easter and Christmas.

Jesus died on one and was born
on the other. Hm-hm-hm-hmm?

Cos...Jesus I do think did exist.

He was a guy
who had interesting ideas

in the Gandhi area, the Nelson
Mandela area - relaxed and groovy.

The Romans thought,
"Relaxed and groovy? No."

So they murdered him.

Kids eat chocolate eggs
because the color of the chocolate

and the color of
the wood on the cross...

Well, you tell me.

It's got nothing to do with it,
has it?

People are going, "Remember kids,
Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great."

"No, it's bad."
"It's bad. lt's terrible.

"Whatever you want.
Just keep giving me these eggs."

And the bunny rabbits, where do
they come into the Crucifixion?

There were no rabbits going,
"You putting crosses in our warrens?

"We live below this hill, all right?"

Bunny rabbits are for s___ging,
eggs are for fertility.

It's the spring festival.

Christmas time, Jesus born to
a big jolly guy in a red jacket.

"Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus.
What would you like for Christmas?"

"Peace on earth
and goodwill towards men."

"What about a clockwork train?"

"Yes, much better.
Forget peace on earth, I don't care."

The Christmas fir tree?
There's none of them in Nazareth.

The partridge in a pear tree song
was not sung at the Last Supper.

They weren't there going
# And a partridge in a pear tree...

# Five go-o-old rings!

"Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right."

# On the seventh day of Christmas...

"Judy, come on, loosen up."

"Don't call me Judy. I've told you."

"Ooooh!"

"Can you lend us a fiver, Judy?
I'm a bit short. Ahhh!"

"Right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's
painting the picture,

"everyone get your positions,
here we go."

"Jesus, why the big arms thing?"

"I just thought l'd do
a big arms thing."

"I'll do a big arms thing as well."
"Me, too. I quite like the big arms."

"Look, we can't all do big arms!

"We'll look like
a squadron of Spitfires.

"I'll do big arms and you look at me
and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.'

"Leonardo, have you got that one?
Now, a fun one as well."

That partridge song,
the only bit we like of it is...

# Five gold rings! ?

People go berserk at that point,
running in from other rooms.

# Five go-o-old riiiiings! ?

You know.
The rest of it we don't know.

Above that it's ? Twelve...monkeys
mating, eleven...donkeys dancing

# Ten pygmies...farming,
nine socks a-swimming...

# Five gold rings! ?

This is a human thing. We only
like to learn a little bit of a song.

The American national anthem
I notice is a bit hazy in the middle.

You start and finish strong
but the middle's a bit...

# And fish in the sky

# And a...m...big monkey pie...

l've seen guys up there
halfway through, losing it.

"What the f___ is it?"

"I came second,
I'm from Turkey, I don't know.

"Do you want some furniture?"

ln Britain, we don't win
many Olympic gold medals.

Because we've chosen not to.
It's a political statement.

Because we hate our national anthem.
Cos it's God Save The Queen.

The Queen lives in a big house with
barbed wire and people with guns.

That's one saved f___ing Queen.

She's overly saved, she has no idea
of the struggle of human existence.

We have to work, raise a family.
We don't have nannies.

It's what you gotta do in your life.
God Save The Queen, no.

God Attack The Queen,
that's what it should be.

# God attack the Queen, send
big dogs after her, that bite her b__

# Let them chase after her
and rip her knickers off... ?

That'd be fantastic.
She'd have to fight the dog

with a handbag
with a brick inside. "Crazy dog!"

"Rrrargh! Kill the Queen."
"No, crazy dog!"

Maybe she'd kill the crazy dog

and everyone in Britain would go,
"Fair play to the Queen."

The Queen would have self-respect
for the first time in her life.

Yes. lt would work.
It would be fantabulous.

But in America
you do win the gold medal.

You stand there, hand on the hearts.

Only you and the Roman Empire have
ever done that so be very careful.

You are the new Roman Empire,
you realize that.

There's no one else going.

The other big power is China

but they're a bit of
a "Ah... Oh..." kind of thing.

A thousand million
but they're all just getting ready.

You're the Roman Empire so you've
got vomitariums and orgies ahead.

Let the President lead the way.

Cos no one cares in America and...
I don't know.

ln Europe we're just watching you,
going, "What are you doing?"

ln France they wouldn't care
and in Britain they would get shot.

If the Prime Minister had done
something everyone would go...

(Clears throat, mumbles sheepishly)

"Can the government
comment on the recent affair?"

"The government would like to say...
(Coughs, mumbles sheepishly)"

"Thank you."

You do sing the national anthem

and I've worked out how to do it
if you're lost in the middle.

The Tannoy systems at big stadiums,
it doesn't matter.

All that people care about
is the look.

per cent of what people react to
is the look.

per cent is how you sound,
per cent is what you say.

So if you look and sound good -

# Baaah wair sa fahhh!

# La-la... ? Big mouth.

The eyes.
# Ah-sarrr! Fah shirrr... ?

Use the hand.
# Oh sharr...

# La-la shar la la laaaa

# Da da-da, da-da shar-harrrr

# Daaa da... ?

Keep confirming and denying things.

# Raaa da-da duppa shar-la... ?

Everyone will go wild!

(Cheering and applause)

Erm... (Squeaks)

Er... Oh, yeah!

I'm a...
I'm an action transvestite, really.

You know, erm... As well as being
an executive transvestite.

Cos it's running,
jumping, climbing trees.

I went s_____arding in Aspen

and you look cool when you s_____ard.

You cannot but look cool because
you're nailed to a plank of wood.

As long as you're vertical, you're
going, "Hey, yeah." (Whooshing)

Skiing you can be kind of,
"Whooaah... Clunk. Ooooh."

There's a lot of that stuff.
But this is just... (Purring engine)

There's only two positions
in s_____arding. One is looking cool.

The second is dead!

Pow!

I was looking cool and
I was going miles an hour.

You have no idea.
The police never pull you over.

They never go...
(Siren wailing, whooshing)

"Oh, f___ing hell."

The police need to walk up to you
in that condescending way.

"OK, what do you think you're doing?"

They can't do that on a s_____ard
cos they have to go...

"Your tail light's out and, er...

"you've go no knees."

So that didn't happen.

I was going fast,
and I fell and smashed my head.

My head was fine but my neck went,
"Oh, no. No, thank you."

So I had to see a chiropractor
in New York.

They're different to osteopaths
because of the spelling.

And, er...

They're both very powerful figures
on the Scrabble board.

"Chiropractor. Yeah, chiropractor.

" letters. Chiropractor."

And they...they crack your bones.
They take X-rays but it's pointless.

Cos whatever's wrong -
"I'm gonna crack your bones.

"Diphtheria.
I'm gonna crack your bones.

"Your head's come off.
I'm gonna crack your bones.

"lt looks like your mother..."

When they crack your bones
it goes, "Urgh!" and then, "Arrhhh."

but not sort of, "Ahhh..."
but sort

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