Uncle vernon, uncle vernon, independent as a hog on ice
Hes a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
Plays accordion for mr. weiss

Uncle biltmore and uncle william
Made a million during world war two
But theyre tightwads and theyre cheapskates
And theyll never give a dime to you

Auntie mame has gone insane
She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
And the radio is playing opera
All she ever says is go to hell

Uncle violet flew as a pilot
And there aint no pretty girls in France
Now he runs a tiny little bookie joint
They say he never keeps it in his pants

Uncle bill will never leave a will
And the tumor is as big as an egg
He has a mistress, shes puerto rican
And I heard she has a wooden leg

Uncle phil cant live without his pills
He has emphysema and hes almost blind
And we must find out where the money is
Get it now before he loses his mind

Uncle vernon, uncle vernon, independent as a hog on ice
Hes a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
He plays accordion for mr. weiss

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