Denis Leary The Asshole Song Lyrics

(Spoken)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down
in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the
c___les of our hearts, maybe below the c___les, maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.
(Sung)
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and p___o and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an a__hole (He's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole (He's an a__hole, such an a__hole)
I use public toilets and p___ on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an a__hole (He's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole (He's the world's biggest a__hole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped s___es,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an a__hole (He's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole (He's a real f___ing a__hole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an a__hole (he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole (he's the world's biggest a__hole)
(Spoken)
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot-f___in'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big
brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-
biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down
those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the
side, and there ain't a g______ thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear f___in'
weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy
they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of
Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of f___in' difference, because we got
the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for
cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty p___ed off. You
know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times--that's how p___ed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and
John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of f___in' whisky and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an a__hole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the
a__hole... all the time it was him... what an a__hole!
(Sung)
I'm an a__hole (I'm an a__hole, he's an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole (He's the world's biggest a__hole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo
(Spoken)
I'm an a__hole and I'm proud of it!