Eddie Izzard Jesus In Religions - Part One Lyrics

Yeah, and Johnny Paul was looking for a coming-together, I believe, a sort of, uhh...syn...synergy between the five, the major five religions, being: [counts them off on one hand] Christianity, Judiaism, Islam, RCA, Sony. [pauses] Buddhism and Hinduism.

Ya know, because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in, yeah? And I'm not gonna tell you about the silly ones...if you think, "Ooo, RCA, yes. They're in the Middle East, aren't they?" And, uh...
'Cause if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit. [mimes putting on a seatbelt]
"Oh, right, ahh."
'Cause if you can't do the belt bit, that should be a test before you get on, surely.
"You know the belt bit?"
"Ahh..."
"Here's a belt, try it."
[mimes the attempt]
"Oh, f___ off."
Ya know, 'cause, 'cause if it goes down, you're gonna be the person going, "I can't get out of it! I can't...where's...what's this?" [mimes reaching for oxygen mask] How...strap it to me ear? Let me fly the plane!"
"f___ off!"

Anyway, Jesus, Mister Jeezy Bee, the historical figure Jesus, who was called Joshua by the, or Joseph, by the, uh, the people, I think, and then Jesus was the Greek name, or something like that...I was watching [again, I have no clue] the other night. And, umm, and uhh, he was...he's in, he's in Christianity. Christianity is his best film, yeah? That's, that's where he was the Son of God! Starring Jesus as the Son of God! Where he said that famous line, "Take your hands off her, you b____!" [mimes robot walking]

And then, then he blew it out the air-lock, yeah? Or is that Aliens? 'Cause they're very similar, Christian faith and the film Aliens. Very similar. And then there's, in the, in Islam...Jesus is a prophet. I didn't realize this, but Mohammed's top prophet, he's top dog. And then Jesus, like second prophet, he's like left back, in football. And Mohammed's striker, he's going [mimes kicking a ball] knock 'em in the goal!

"Go, Mo! Go, Mo!"

And Jesus, like left back, "c'mon, c'mon" [mimes kicking ball] "Mo, take it up! Abraham, on the left wing!"