Frank Zappa & the Mothers Billy the Mountain Lyrics

[includes quotes from Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1 in D
major (Edward Elgar), Johnny's Theme (Paul Anka), Off We Go Into
The Wild Blue Yonder (Crawford), O Mein Papa (Paul Burkhard),
Over The Rainbow (Harburg/Arlen), Star-Spangled Banner
(Smith/Key), Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Stephen Stills)]

One, two, three . . .

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

BILLY was a mountain
(BILLY was a mountain!)
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder)
(hey, hey hey!)

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder

Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a
checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado
Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .

("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")

. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was
supposed to be.

Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those
postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally,
now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalty check is in, honey!

Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves,
they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well
it dropped thirty feet!

A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack!
hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No s___!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down, BILLY had
broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders
everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL,
ETHELL, like every little woman, she of course was very excited!
She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.)
BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going
to NEW YORK!

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .

It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . .
their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds
(POO-AAH!)

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks
alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when
TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . . (We have
ignition!) . . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED! (Lunched!) By a
FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.

"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS
MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a
San Joaquin Valley s___ RING! However, we can a__ure parents in
the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN,
in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey,
Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar,
Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling
Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills,Cheviot Hills, will provide
the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a
CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION,
increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of
Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . .
"

WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah
wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . .
) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Glendale, as BILLY had just
levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY
caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the
SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on
Glenoaks) where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and
OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . .
.

Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little
Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just
playing ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with
his little accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came
up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Glendale ("Toto . . . ! Toto .
. . !"), blowing these terrible germs in his direction ("Come
here, Toto . . . !"), and all of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by
a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!

"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for
UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus,
Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION
PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL
said she wasn't gonna let him go!

"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED
ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE
COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also
practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the
SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be
able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA
HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not
Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new
SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.

(Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was
like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say
he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy
guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at
BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others
say, John, p___ on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy
Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure
'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because
STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named
'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)

Time passes . . .
January, February, March, July . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindale . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!

So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly a__ured voice:

"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . .
Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding
. . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder
. . . ? Aw, you're fulla s___, man . . . ah, listen, by the way,
before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with
the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should
move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen,
so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your
wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so
you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh,
my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes
here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD
DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An
expense account? And per diem, too?"

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING
LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar,
hit it!

Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh

Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .

NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have
spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . )
Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a
rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!

Oh, it's gotta be true!

STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a
pin!

"NO!"

Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.

(I'm so HIP!)

BEEF PIES!

He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc

FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!

(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a
modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back
of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he
could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no
s___!)

After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT
JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt
scissors! Hey-hey!

Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes
are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S
(in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was
looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and
he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his
powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .

YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE f___ING DOOR! And he pulled down
his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even
amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his
legs!

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

(Help me, help me, help me!)

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get
in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little
c___suckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping
up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head
between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON
HUBBARD-type voice . . .

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking
lot, and into the sky!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the
edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:

"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come
to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed
Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like
this forever."

Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER
HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . .
.

"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST
SON-OF-A-b____! You better get your a__ down there for your
f___in' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL
DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and
your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of
brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the
(cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"

Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed:

"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're
CRAZY!"

Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed,
STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two
hundred feet into the rubble below!

"Aaahhhhh . . . oh f___, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "

Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once
again that . . .

A Mountain is something
You don't wanna f___ with
You don't wanna f___ with
Don't f___ around
(Don't f___ around)

Don't f___ with BILLY (No!)
And don't f___ with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!
DON'T f___ AROUND!

With

Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

(Eddie, are you kidding?)

Eddie, are you kidding?

FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our
intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes . . .
(Thank you!)
FZ: We'll be back!