Tripod The Hot Dog Man Lyrics

(Scod starts playing the intro)
(Loud audience cheer)

Scod: I don't know if this is the one you think it is.
I think the one you think it is, is this:

(Scod plays the same sequence a minor third higher, making it the intro to the Shop Song (I think))

Scod: But, this is actually this:

(He returns to the original key)

Tripod: The hot dog man is packing up,
He's putting all his sauces away.
Gatesy: Yeah!
Tripod: Scrapes the onion grease into a cup,
To use again another day.

Other hot dog men might re-use their cheese,
But never this hot dog man.
He whistles a tune and bobs his head,
While sweeping out the floor of his van.

The hot dog man once tried a line,
In gelati and soft-serve treats.
But they didn't last long in the bain-marie,
In amongst the steaming meats.

The sauce bottle nozzles clog up every day,
He always is surprised by how much.
A friend once suggested the sachets,
But he prefers the personal touch.

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...
The hot dog man...
Gatesy: How beautiful is the hot dog man?
Don't you love him? He just knows what life's about.
It's the simple things, that's the lesson.
Scod: Yeah.

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...
Gatesy: The hot dog man attends the normal events,
Such as concerts and football games.
Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...
Gatesy: Has his regulars at the stadium,
He takes the time to learn all their names.

Gatesy and Scod: The hot dog man...
Yon: Whilst he knows it's a professional relationship,
He always asks about their lives.
Gatesy and Scod: The hot dog man...
Yon: Says, "How are the kids? Is your Mum still well?
Hey, tell me when the baby arrives."

Tripod: The hot dog man maintains his van,
He works on it meticulously.
He'd have it done by a mechanic,
But who would take as much care as he?

The hot dog man drops his daughter off,
At ballet practice three times a week.
He jokingly asks, "Am I a taxi?",
Gatesy: She laughs and smiles and kisses his cheek.

Gatesy and Scod: Aww!

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...
Gatesy: You gotta love the hot dog man, don't ya?
Oh, he's just beautiful, I love him.
Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...
Gatesy: I could sing about him all night.
In fact, let's do that, yeah!

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man earns a modest amount,
His overheads are more than you'd think.
When you add up the cost of his hobby,
Plus the wholesale price of the drinks.

Gatesy: What's with "hobby", Yon?

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man has certain needs,
Not all of which his wife can fulfil.
He also has his favourite TV shows,
The one he likes the most is "The Bill".

Gatesy and Scod: The hot dog man...
Yon: The hot dog man knows his hardware,
Has certain brands he tends to prefer.
Gatesy and Scod: The hot dog man...
Yon: He's been fitting out his cellar,
But he's not at all the wine connoisseur.

Yon and Gatesy: The hot dog man...
Scod: The hot dog man drives his hot dog van,
In circuits 'round the local reserve.
Yon and Gatesy: The hot dog man...
Scod: He drives slowly, but not too slowly,
And casual, so as not to unnerve.

Gatesy: I don't like the hot dog man any more!

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...

Gatesy: The hot dog man's a bad hot dog man, isn't he, guys?

Guys?

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man...

Gatesy: What the f___ is going on?

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man has a coolroom,
With independent power supply.
Has a table on wheels and a light source,
He performs his operations by.

Gatesy: OPERATIONS?!

Yon and Scod: The hot dog man's identity,
Changes every now and again.
For a time, he was a woman,
Or at least he wore a woman's skin.

Gatesy: NOOOOOOOOO!

Yon and Scod: If you listen hard in the dead of night,
Is that a scratching sound you can hear?
Gatesy: I DON'T LIKE THIS!
Yon and Scod: We use the word "evil" so liberally,
Gatesy: STOP... STOP THE f___ING SONG!

Stop... just stop it.

Scod: What?
Gatesy: What are you doing to the hot dog...
Scod: What?
Gatesy: What have you done to him?
Scod: What do you mean, "done to him"?
Gatesy: You've...
Scod: There's a whole range of factors, it wasn't just us.
Gatesy: No!
Yon: Yeah!
Gatesy: No!
Yon: I mean, you know, it's a whole "nature versus nurture" issue, really.
Scod: It is!
Gatesy: It's just... no!
Scod: He might have parental problems, who knows? Maybe he's just evil.
We just don't know.
Gatesy: He doesn't! He doesn't have to be evil though.
Scod: What are you talking about?
Gatesy: No, he doesn't.

Why can't... here's an idea... ooh, Gatesy! Why don't we... why don't we make the hot dog man a nice hot dog man again, eh?
Yon: All right.
Gatesy: You know, remember? Aha! Remember...

Gatesy: The hot dog man is packing up,
Gatesy: (That's it)
Gatesy: He's... twisting all the ties on the bun bags.
Umm... puts the ice bucket back in the freezer,
Yon and Scod: Where he also keeps the human heads.

Gatesy: NOOOOOO!

Yon: I like that!
Gatesy: Ohhhh...
Scod: Come on... he's a multi-dimensional character, that's all.
Yon: Come on, Gatesy - don't you think we're all the hot dog man deep down inside?
Gatesy: Noooo...
Scod: It's about the complexity of human relationships... and knives.