Dane Cook Heist/Monkey Lyrics

i was talking to this girl the other day and she said
"all guys want is s__"
and i said "listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna talk about this...later"...

that's a lie...

i said it because it was funny.
she actually said that she goes "thats all guys, dane,is s__" and i said to her
"nay..."

i said "theres other things guys want besides s__. we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but im putting it out in the universe so you can respect us for who we are as men"
for example any guy here more than s__ if they had the choice of s__ or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist!

you know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i wanna do that!"

you just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47...

pffffpffffpffff
WHERE'S THE VAN?
pffffpffff
THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
pffffff.

we want that guy whos on a computer and is like
"give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i need one more minute to hack into the mainframe.
im in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a minute...

WHERE'S THE f___ING VAN! pfffff.

theres always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but one of the guys vouches for him
"no no dude trust me this guys cool,
hes solid and hes cool"

but hes not cool is he?

he doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might be like
"let's kill these b____es"
...
i wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in the back of my leg...

pow "OW s___!"
it stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool

i keep looking at the blood going
no no no no...bleeding from the leg
WHERES THE VAN!?

We wanna be a part of a heist and than there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than s__ any guy here would love to have
a monkey,
a pet monkey
and people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i'd love to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey person in the area.
they over hear you "excuse me i heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey"
theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey
" let me tell you a few things
can i just have a minute can i have a minute
can i just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion?
ok?
its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushes
ok?
first of all they c___ in their own hands and they throw it around in a festive manner
like theyre at a celebration of monkey p___ and
they make faces that are unacceptable in society..."
i hear these things and im like
thats why i want a monkey all those reasons!
i dont want a nice quiet monkey
i want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with him inside my place...
how pumped would you be driving home from work knowing someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna battle!
thats awesome!

you walk in..

ahhh...monkey? you here?
...ahhhh...
where are you?...
im in your closet!...
holy s___ you just talked!...
i taught myself to talk!...
this is incredibly odd!
i know lets fight!...
ok...

this would be the ultimate what if after the heist you jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van..

"GET IN! WE GOTTA GO!
WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!..........

makes me sad cuz i know it'll never happen...