Jake Thackray The Tortoise Lyrics

I want to try you out with this song. I've got some children at home, and I used to write songs for them, erm, because I thought as a song writer I ought to, you know, give songs to my children. And they were duff, what I used to write; until one day my eldest child came up and said, er, write something like Jake Thackray writes; you know, long songs, no tunes, er, funny words, gruesome stories, and then we'll know at least that our father wrote these. I'll give you an example. Here's a silly song, here's a silly song that I wrote for my children once.

There was a man who when he won stuff on the stalls in village fairs
Would always choose the tortoise, not the goldfish, not the teddy bears.
He would always answer when they asked him what he wanted as a prize,
"I'll have another of them little crunchy pies; crunchy pies".

Oh crunchy pies, oh crunchy pies, and there was hunger in his eyes:
"I'll have another of them little crunchy pies; crunchy pies".

I know that God created tortoises, but is God always wise?
He never gives us clear distinctions - as with tortoises and pies.
He could have spared such moral horrors to the likes of me and you -
And doubtless to the little crunchy tortoise, too.

Tortoise too, tortoise too, Oh, Jesus, tell us what to do.
And for Christ's sake tell the little crunchy tortoise too.