Closing time on Saturday it was dark.
Me and Uncle Samuel were lying in the park,
Toes towards the moonlight, noses in the flower beds.
But we know that what we saw, we saw.

She was naked. She was cast in bronze, in bronze,
Standing in the lake amidst the corporation swans.
He was millstone grit. He was Sir Robert Walpole.
And we know that what we heard, we heard.

"Lady is the water cold tonight,
Or does the silky moonlight warm your heart to me?
Or must I hanker for a hundred years again
And never-endingly gaze upon your flanks, your face?"

Well, me and my Uncle Sam, oh Constable, well, we were right on her side.
Poor darling, she was shy and she had her pride, and nowhere to hide.

We were there: we saw the aged sire
Shaking with a century of petrified desire,
Climbing from his pedestal all stiff and sooty.
And we know that what we saw, we saw.

He began to tremble and to sway-ay-ay.
We were drunk as penguins but we saw him clear as day
Clumping to the water's edge, Sir Robert Walpole,
And we know that what we heard, we heard.

"Lady is the water cold tonight?
Is it the milky moonlight warms my heart to you?
Well let the devil take the park attendant first!
My heart may burst, so I'm not waiting any longer lady!"

Me and my Uncle Sam, Inspector, well, then we both got to our feet.
Poor darling she was sweet and not very old, and awfully cold.

We rolled up our sleeves, we got to work,
Went for him like buffaloes, like windmills gone berserk.
He fought like a tiger - we've got the scars to prove it -
And we know that what we've got we've got.

We hung on like death, we did our best.
He was big and gritty and he fought like one possessed
He was much too good for us was Robert Walpole,
He put us down and out and he strode on.

Lady was the water cold last night?
Was it the creamy, dreamy moonlight warmed your heart?
Oh little nymph, we both did what we could,
But it's so strange: you're infinitely changed today.

Well, me and my Uncle Sam, your Worship, well, we both feel something's not right:
Today she wears a smile, her face is alight, and her eyes are bright,
Ever so bright,
Awfully bright.

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