POD305 Lyrics

Hey guys. Um, as you know, I recently met my birth mother... and I didn't really like her. As a matter of fact, I drove her away and now... she's gone. And the part that really sucks is... you know that thing about judging a book by its cover? It's true. You know, sometimes you gotta read the whole thing, and then even then you still might not know the whole story. So maybe I was wrong. No, you know what? Screw "maybe." I - I was wrong. It's weird how hard it is to say out loud, but I mean, you screw up, you should just say so and take the blame, right? So I guess I'm trying to say that I'm sitting here with that nagging pain of remorse in my chest... when I'm owning it, feeling it.

There's a lyric from this old-school hardcore band that goes, "Do you know what it's like to know not a single thing about yourself, and it's all your fault?" I can see myself in that lyric today. I freaked out. I pushed Ellie away - this woman who decided to pick my 17th year as the one she would enter my life and so I'm not all that cool letting people in to begin with, I shut her out. Now I have no idea where she is, and I wish that she were here so that I could take back a lot of the stuff I said. It's as simple as that - I wasn't the person I should be, and now I can't it back. I'm sitting here holding her cancer survival bracelet. It's um - it's this survivor bracelet - you get a number for every year you've survived in recovery and Ellie's got three but, who knows if she'll get any more, and you know the most messed up part? I was SO SURE I was doing the right thing when I told her to get out of my life. It felt - oh God, it felt so good, so sure of myself! I was taking control, taking care of me! But I jumped to conclusions to save myself from disappointment, I think, it's like a survival instinct or something. Ellie's a survivor because she's fought cancer, but what am I fighting? Myself, I guess, for the most part? I don't wanna do that anymore. I'm gonna start letting more people in, you know, maybe this "podcasting thing" is a good start. It's like, if you guys know more about me, maybe I'll start to know myself more, too.... at least that's the plan.

But here's the thing that I've noticed, you know, there's people who let it out and people who keep it in. My friend Brooke, for example, she definitely lets it out. Me - not so much, I mean sure yeah, I can talk about this stuff but only to strangers on the Internet. Unless of course by some random chance my friends are listening - Brooke, Lucas... or Jake - I guess I haven't told them I'm doing this so unless one of them randomly googles my name - some time when they're bored - it's just me and you guys.

Anyway, it's not that I wanna be more like Brooke, you know, more out there, but it should be nice if I could just let my guard down now and then. I mean, I meet a new person, let's say like a record store - and it's like I'm looking at them sideways, like: What's their angle? What do they want? How are they gonna end up s_______ me over? I know, it's pathetic, and I probably lose out on a lot of good times because of it. Actually I know I do because all that negative thinking, it's like this vicious cycle, because I'm preparing yourself for the awful reality you imagine might be out there, you actually create one this worse. And what happens? Everyone loses.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy but it has to stop so maybe, hopefully, opening up myself to you guys is gonna help. I mean, the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? So... Hi, my name is Peyton. I'm a pathological skeptic... but I'm trying not to be. And Ellie, if you're listening to this... I'm sorry. And Jake and Lucas and Brooke - if you're listening to this - I think I'm probably gonna move to Alaska. Later guys.