Tripod Krap Karate Lyrics

Scod: It's not a bad looking audience tonight. Maybe it's because James has changed the lighting and I can actually see.
Gatesy: That could be why.
Yon: But, you might be looking up at us, thinking, "These guys aren't all that much. Pretty slight-looking."
Scod: "I could take 'em".
Yon: "Don't look like they could defend themselves in a combat situation".
Gatesy: You'd be wrong.
Scod: Yeah, you would be wrong.
Yon: You might be thinking, "Sure, they have the perfect physique for mini-golf".
Scod: Not true at all! Don't be fooled by the slender wrists, people!
Yon: No!
Scod: We can take ya. We've been watching our John Woo films.
Gatesy: Oh, yeah, we're up to scratch, 'cause we're the finest exponents of...

(They make lame karate-style movements)

Gatesy: ... krap karate.

Yon: Krap karate...
Scod: Krap karate...
Gatesy: Krap karate...
Yon and Scod: Krap karate...
It's not... comin' to get ya.

I'm trained in a special skill,
To not look like I could kill.
There's a poster on my bedroom wall,
Tripod: Of Steven Seagal, krap karate...

I haven't studied, I never fight...
Yon and Scod: (Fight fight fight...)
Tripod: I watch Buffy every night...
Yon and Scod: (Night night night...)
Tripod: If you pick on me, there won't be a threat,
You'll only get, krap karate...

Scod: My hands are lethal weapons,
Provided I'm holding a gun.
I'm registered with the Government,
As a... taxpayer.

Yon: Such krap karate...
Gatesy and Scod: Jackie Chan's got everything on me,
Don't move over, Bruce Lee.
Gatesy: I could go at any moment,
I'm a great exponent of...
Yon and Scod: Krap karate...

Tripod: Yee! Hoe! Yoomp! Shing!

Yon: Hi, I'm Yon,
An expert with a knife.
A surgeon, a craftsman,
A master of the deadly blades,
Silent death...

Tripod: Yee! Hoe! Yoomp! Shing!

Gatesy: Hi, I'm Gatesy...

Yon: (Interrupting)... so silent, you don't hear a thing.
It's just... (makes blade-spinning-through-air noises)... uuuurgh.
Well, actually, it would be more like... (pause)... uuuurgh.

And at close quarters... (makes stabbing noises),
I can use my knife silencer... (pause).

Gatesy: Hi, I'm Gatesy,
Demolitions expert.
Master of C4, A4, and foolscap.
And if we get into trouble,
I can call for reinforcements.
(Those circular adhesive labels...)
I can pick off any moving target,
Until they are... stationery!
Really loud death.

Tripod: Yee! Hoe! Yoomp! Shing!

Scod: Hi, I'm Scod,
Seamstress.
Gatesy: Hey! He makes the costumes.
Yon: It's a very important role.

All three of us, highly trained in the art of...

Tripod: ... Krap karate...

Yon: Late in the evenin', I'm havin' drinks with my girl,
Gatesy and Scod: Café Latte...
Yon: I'm her protector, the great defender of her world.
Gatesy and Scod: After the party...
Yon: She grabs my chest, my pecs are burning with desire,
And the hairs on my legs...

Yon: ... this call is being charged at $8.90 an hour...

Tripod: Jackie Chan's got everyone on me,
Don't move over, Bruce Lee.
Don't come any closer,
Unless you want a dose-of...
... Krap karate!

Tripod: Looks great in a mirror!