Ti Kwan Leep (sic) (SKIT)

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So:
Aaaaaaooooommm......

Student1 (Ed Gruberman): Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!

Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

EG: Me! Ed Gruberman?

Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?

EG: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?

Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.

EG: So like, what, an hour or so?

Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.

EG: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?

Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.

EG: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas!
Hah woo yah ooomm!

Teacher: "Beat people up"...?

EG: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?

Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.

EG: Yeah? Well, the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice".

Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...

EG: Listen, shrimp! (All this *** talk is really starting to **** me off.)* Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wipin' the walls with you?

Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep.
Approach me that you might see.

EG: All right! Finally some action!

Teacher: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.

EG (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!

Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...

EG: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

Teacher: Now class, we shall return to our...

Student2: Master?

Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

Student2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student2: I want to boot some head, too.

Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

Student2: Yes, master. I have learned two things.
First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.

Teacher: Very good.

Student2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)

Teacher: You missed.

Student2: Uh, yeah. Well...

Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...

Student2: You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Student2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....

Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

Student3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.

Teacher: You gain wisdom, child.

Student3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!

(Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'.
There are many people groaning in pain.)

Teacher: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and
gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.

Unison: Aaaaaoooommm....

Teacher: Very good, class.

* Note: Line edited out on Dr Demento's 20th Anniversary collection

BOOT TO THE HEAD (THE SONG)

Yi yi yai yi....

People talking in movie shows,
People smoking in bed!
People voting Republican,
Give them a boot to the head!

Boot to the Head! Nah, nah...
Boot to the Head! Nah, nah...
Boot to the Head! Nah, nah...
Boot to the Head! Nah nah nah... Nah. Nah nah nah...

Mechanics who can't fix a car,
Politicians who can't think!
The salesman who won't leave me alone,
The waiter who forgot my drink!

(Refrain)
Boot to the head! Nah, nah..
Boot to the head! Nah, nah..
Boot to the head! Nah, nah..
BOOT TO THE HEAD!!

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