Eddie Izzard Dress to Kill Lyrics

1. City of Snakes

In heels as well! Yeah. Yes, I'm a professional transvestite so I can run about in heels and not fall over, 'cause,you know, if women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult.

So, San Francisco! ( singing ) San Francisco, San Francisco... Not "San Fran," no, apparently not! I didn't know that, I would've said "San Fran," but you'd go, "No, we don't like "San Fran," f___ it!" Or what's the other one you don't...? Oh, Frisco! You don't like that either. ( audience hissing ) And you're a city of snakes, I see! ( Eddie hisses ) Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. ( hisses ) No other cities have snakes as much as you. I've been to New York, no f___ing snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of f___ing snakes! ( hisses ) We did that at school! So you call it ( rolling eyes ) "The City." ( mocking sounds ) "The City."

And you don't tell tourists about the weather in July and August. You don't f___ing tell anyone. They're all going around in summer shirts, going, "Jesus Christ! I can't see! I can't see! Fog! There's fog!" And it really shifts it, your fog! I saw John Carpenter's film, "The Fog," seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. I thought, "Well, that's Hollywood, that's fog moving really fast," but your fog is that speed! ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! It could be late to get in someone's face somewhere! It runs down the road, doesn't it? Faster than the f___ing taxis! Of which there are five...

I don't know what that's about. You're a no-taxi city, aren't you? Five taxis, all going, "I got people in." Hours! (sounds of taxis speeding by ) Then, when you get in, they don't know where they're going. I had to tell the guy, "Get in the back, I'll drive!" He's sitting in the back, going, "Well, I don't know... I've only lived here four million years!"

Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare... And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, "What the f___? What the f___'s this one?" Pulling levers, levers... Is it four levers that just do f___all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, "Help! Help!" ( imitates bell clanging ) Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell... Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. ( mimes writing ) "Never link those two together again."

2. Squirrels in Makeup

Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that, and people go, "Oh, yeah, yeah!" No, I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. 'Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the s__uality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because... it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it's "running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there." That's where it is!

I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la... Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! f___ off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a f___ing squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "f___ing nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."

Yeah. So that's very much like the army-- the running, jumping, climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. And I was! I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, "Found you," ah-ah, flag, "Look," hat, you know. Bang! I liked all that stuff, the gun thing... I liked blowing up milk bottles. You know, kill the milk bottles. Boom! Explode milk bottles. Yes. It seems fun - there's this thing of power in you hands. There's all this National Rifle a__ociation and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's a___nal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi..." What the f___'s the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school!

And the National Rifle a__ociation says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that... ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know.

But yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay pigeons, they're f___ers! Come round your house, whiz through ( fly-by noises ) They do nothing, they don't even eat flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they're all right, keep them, you know? Flies don't eat f___all, so kill 'em! And clay pigeons - everyone shoots them in the air. Wait 'til they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon... ( shoots ) Much easier.

Yeah. So! I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... Yeah, 'cause there's not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that night-time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? And they look a mess! So you can't join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell" towards the alternative s__ualities. If you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know... I don't think they need to ask, really! And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't.It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And they're missing a huge opportunity here, 'cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing! The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun! And the opposing forces going, "f___ing 'ell, look at these guys! Look at that! They've got guns. They've got guns! Jesus, they've got guns!" Ah, b_____. I was so surprised! Were you surprised? I was surprised.

Anyway, so yes, sooo... Also, if you're a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping, you know? When I was in New York, there was a guy in the Bronx whowas living in a cave...like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and... ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's shoes, and they thought, "Maybe he's a transvestite." And if he is, he's a f___ing weirdo transvestite! I'm much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a f___head he was! They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they go, "Well, that explains his weird behavior!" Yeah, f___ing weirdo transvestite! ( pointing to himself )Executive transvestite. It's a lot wider community, more wide than you'd think...

3. History
Yes, and I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Oh, yeah. You tear your history down, man! "30 years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!" I have seen it in stories. I sawsomething in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"

Well, we got tons of history lying about the place, big old castles, and they just get in the way. We're driving-- "Oh, a f___ing castle! Have to drive around it..." Disney came over and built Euro Disney, and they built the Disney castle there, and it was, "You better make it a bit bigger, they've actually got them here... And they're not made of plastic!" We got tons of them, 'cause you think we all live in castles, and we do all live in castles! We all got a castle each. We're up to here with f___ing castles! We just long for a bungalow or something.

And I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it." And he took me aside, he said, "Whatcha you want to do, kid? Whatcha you want to do? Tell me, tell me your dreams!" "I want to be a s___e astronaut! Go to outer s___e, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a shoe shop then! Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop, on the left." And he said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a sewer then! Discover sewage that no one's ever discovered, and pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery." He said, "What the f___ have you been smoking, eh? Certainly you haven't been smoking in a bar in California, that's for certain!" 'Cause you can't! No, no smoking in bars now, and soon, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California! You're supposed to be the crazy state, the out there, the wild ones, you know? In the future, everyone's going to say, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time, shall we? " ( mimes dragging on a joint ) "Don't know where that f___ing book is, mate, it could be anywhere! There's a lot of 'em about!"

Yeah,so, yes, so that was it. There was a spirit of ex-empire, this thing of "things can't be done," whereas in America, I thought there was a spirit of "can be done!" The pioneer thing.

"Go do it, what do you want to do?"

"I want to put babies on spikes."

"Go then! Go!"

It's the American Dream! "Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!" They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. ( nervous laughter from audience ) Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

Yes, so this is all true. And so, yes. Soin Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for f___ all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

And the German empire, very organized, they'd always build an empire, "ein, zwei, ein, zwei, "build an empire, very Prussian, and then they'd celebrate with a World War! And then lose the whole f___ing empire by the end of the war. In the 30s, Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II... the Russian front, not a good idea...! Hitler never played "Risk" when he was a kid...! 'Cause, you know, playing "Risk," you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f___ing hold it! Australasia, that was the one! Australasia, all the purple ones! Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...

And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire, so, that's fun! I think that's funny, 'cause he was a mass-murdering f___head. And that was his honeymoon as well! Double trouble!

"Eva, let's marry."

"Where should our honeymoon be?"

"Well, in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. I've already arranged it upstairs."

"Oh, how romantic, Adolf."

"Yes, I thought!"

Fun! What a b______! And he was a vegetarian, and a painter, so he must have been going, "I can't get the f___ing trees... d___! I will kill everyone in the world!"

And he was a mass-murdering f___head, as many important historians have said. But there were other mass murderers that got away with it! Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there; Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest at age 72, well done indeed! And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people, and we're sort of fine with that. "Ah, help yourself," you know? "We've been trying to kill you for ages!" So kill your own people, right on there. Seems to be... Hitler killed people next door... "Oh... stupid man!" After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we?

Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: "Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch- death, death, death -afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower..."
So I suppose we're glad that Pol Pot's under house arrest... you know, 1.7 million people. At least he - we know where he is - under house arrest! Just don't go in that f___ing house, you know? I know a lot of people who'd love to be under house arrest! They bring you your food... "Just stay here? Oh, all right. (singing laconically ) Have you got any videos?" You know, you just sit there all day... And Pol Pot was a history teacher. And Hitler was a vegetarian painter. So... mass-murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don't know how the flip comes over, but it happens.

So, yeah. There was a lot of that, and we built up empires - we stole countries! That's what you do,that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in.

"I claim India for Britain!"

They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!"

"Do you have a flag?"

"We don't need a b_____ flag! It's our country, you b______s!"

"No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle a__ociation."

That was it, you know?

4. Royal Genetics

And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. She never even f___ing went there, you know?

She was one of our more frumpy queens... they're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You'rejust scraping the barrel there, "We've haven't got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry." First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, "Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me 'cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet." Fantastic! That's why there's no crazy royals, they're all kind of, "Hello! Hello, what do you do? You're a plumber! What on Earth is that?"
So yeah. And after World War II, all the empires sort of dissolved. And we didn't - we came first inWorld War II, but we were financially f___ed by the end, 'cause there was a period of time where it was just us and the n___s, and they'd been making weapons for ages! They had a head start! We were going, "Get the tanks out! Get the... we haven't got any tanks? Then get that ice cream van out there! Get it out there! Kill! All right,f___ it. ( mimes making ice cones and throwing them ) f___ off! Everything! Just throw everything at them! Just... that's not... harder! Orange fruities! And Zooms! Throw the Zooms! f___ off, you b______s! Pots and pans! Get pots... just throw the pots and pans at them!"

So by the time America came in - 'cause you were watching a U.S. cavalry film, 'cause the U.S. cavalry always comes in right just towards the end of the film - ( sings charge melody ) "Ok, let's go America!" ( charge melody ) "I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how're you doing?", we were going, "f___ing 'ell, where've you been?" "Ah, having breakfast. So, what's going on, hey?"

So, America did well, Russia did well, and deservedly so, because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers died, and about 26 million Russian soldiers died. Soldiers and civilians, and that's just 50 times as many. It's just un-f___ing-believable, you know, and no one mentions it! These are just figures I discovered. That's why they put up...'cause, I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going to kill them, I'm going to kill them, going to... Oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea." And then Hitler, "I've got a better idea, got a better idea... Oh, it's the same idea! It's the same idea, it's the same idea..." So no wonder they set up the Eastern Bloc! They wanted a buffer zone. It wasn't fair, but that's what they did. So that's where they're coming from.

And about 20 million n___ Germans died, but they did start it, they did start that one. And, yeah, so it was that,and France hated them all 'cause Southern France was collaborating with the Germans, embarrassing! So since then, they've been kind of spiky and kind of, French... I'm very positive on the French, my family way back was French, so I go with it, but they are kind of, well, f___ing French at times...

"All of Europe, you must do this!"

"Well... we're not gonna! We're gonna have a sandwich."

And Germany and j__an, they do seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way for organization and being military, but,you know, there's a very strong Green Party there now, kids with beards, it's getting okay, and I just think j__an and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in; whenever something breaks out, parachute Germans and j__anese in. They'll go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello! Take it from us, just chill out!" And then, they'd organize peace really quickly. "All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is organized!" It could be brilliant if they could do that. That's their destiny, man! Yeah.

Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, "Right, we're all fascists!" but most Italian people are always on scooters going, "Ciao!" And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, "We're all fascists!" "All right, ciao!" No helmet on... ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like "Roman Holiday," it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out.

5. Strategic Sheep
So after World War II, the whole world was going,

"Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a b_____ war; let's give 'em back. Britain?"

"Wha'?"

"What's that behind your back?"

"Oh, it's India and a number of other countries."

"Give 'em back."

"Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one..."

"Falkland Islands?"

"Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!"

Yeah. And then it was a case of no empire no longer.

But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16 ( mumbles ). They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats." They finally got there and said, "Ah, this is where our God has brought us to! We can practice our religion here, we can raise a family. There's nobody here! Excuse me... There's nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existence... Who the f___ are these guys? ( mimes the headdress) What's all this, please? No, we don't want any of your food, thank you very much! Just put some clothes on!"

Meanwhile, that winter... "Excuse me, do you have any food?(mimes the headdress) I love all this, love the idea! ( chuckles ) Yes, I'm sorry, we were a bit brusque when we first arrived, we didn't realize you owned the entire country! But you have no system of ownership? Mmm, interesting! Maybe that can come in useful later... Food! Thank you very much, very nice... Yes, there're more of us coming but we'll keep our promises." So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

Everyone f___ing lies! When we were kids, we lied our heads off! "I didn't do it! I was... I wasn't...I was dead at the time! I was on the Moon! With Steve!" And your Dad's going,

"I haven't evenaccused you of anything yet."

"Oh, all right. Well... what is... what's the que... well, I... I... well... what?"

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"No... yes... what's correct? Anywa ... yeah. I was dead at the time!"

Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken the glass, I've broken this... is that expensive? I've broke it. I'll pay for that, I'm sorry." And you do that so people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have s__ with people with strong personalities.""And I've broke other things, I smashed that, and that's gone, and I've just thrown the cat out the window and..."

Oh, yeah! So, perjury, you know! If you commit perjury, I don't care, don't give a s___. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder one, murder two; you realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder, so there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury one is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when 10 million people have died in it, and perjury... nine, is when you said you s___ged someone when you didn't. You know, it's...

So yes, so in America, the Native American situation, and slavery didn't do very well.And in Europe now we've a new thing: the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages - no one's got a clue what there saying to each other! But it's the cutting edge of politics, in a very extraordinarily boring way. Because we've got 15 different countries in the European Union at the moment and trying to get them to decide anything is a little bit, "Which... wha... is it... oh no, here, back up, you... oh, you're in with him! Uh-huh, I'm with... Oh, you're with him!" you know.

For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of, "No! No! No! I can't! ( singing with his fingers in his ears )" And now we've got a government whose policy is more, "Bonjour! Hola! Tak! Da! ( mimes playing banjo ) Ciao!" Britain needs to be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the passenger seat, that's pretty good, you know, 'cause you can take a sleep for a little bit... "Are we there yet?" At the moment, Britain's not even in the European car. We're outside the car, at the traffic lights, going, "We're going to clean your windows, all right?"

Yes.
And we had the Pagans in Britain. You didn't really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and... we had the Pagans. They were into s__, death, and religion in an interesting night-time telly type of way. And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together; and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the f___ a henge is! Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects.

But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), 'cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they're not from 'round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover,when everyone was going, "Is it A.D. yet?" ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new b_____ watch! "Oh, it's A.D., isn't it? f___ing 'ell!" And the Muslim people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there!

So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away,in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on.

"All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go."

"Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?"

And the Druids going,

"Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special."

After 200 miles...

"You f___ing b______s! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!"

And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going,

"No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?"

So that was the Pagans.

And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece,conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, 'cause the Roman gods before that were kind of c___, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos... You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, 'cause we have these c___ gods, you know?"

Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there?

"I am the Emperor Fabulous!"

"Oh, yes, so you are."

"Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him... really interesting guy... "

So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church:

"Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer s___e. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife..." ( makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes )

And the Pope's going,

( Italian accent )"You crazy b_____! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up... ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. b______?"

So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said:

( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic b______ religion."

And an advisor said,

"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"

"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I'm Scottish myself."

So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church,I mean,Henry just s___ged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!

The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere. So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit..."

6. Jeezy Creezy

"We will now sing hymn 405, "Oh God, What on Earth Is My Hairdo All About?" ( drearily )"Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo..."

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's f___ing amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( dirge-like ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it?God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?" God, who is James Mason.

(Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?"

"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"

"Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?"

"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups!

You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out."

"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"

"Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days."

( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!"

"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of s_____ Doo!"

"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!"

Cause s___gy and s_____ are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. 'Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go s___gy! Go s_____!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "f___ off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots ) "Thank you, Granddad." ( general laughter ) Well remembered.

But s___gy and s_____; the only other character, I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character 'cause I'm willing to learn, but somebody mentioned Falstaff. A Shakespearean character!It's that level of greatness! Falstaff, you sort of identify with him, but he has a melancholy with him. But s___gy and s_____ are upbeat all the time, saying ( imitates s_____ Doo talking ) And you love 'em! You're with 'em! There's part of us that - s___gy and s_____ at every stage of the way.

So if you travel around the world, and, you know, 'cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "s___gy and s_____." And they go "s___gy and s_____!" International credit card, I think! So yeah.

. Church of England Fundamentals
So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone,( beating drum ) "Row, you b______s!" You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,

"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin... I poked a badger with a spoon."

"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."

"Oh, all right..."

"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."

"Heard it! I want an original sin."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"

The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,

"Vicar, I have done many bad things."

"Well, so have I."

"What shall I do?"

"Well, drink five b_____ Marys and you won't remember."

Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do a__ume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other b_____ day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do a__ume that jihads are just like, you know,everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A f___ing jihad on them!" b__p into someone, say,

"Hey! A f___ing jihad on you!"

"How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?"

"Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!"

I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England.

"Talk! Will you talk!"

"But it hurts!"

"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."

'Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" 'Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.

"Cake or death?"

"Eh, cake please."

"Very well! Give him cake!"

"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."

"You! Cake or death?"

"Uh, cake for me, too, please."

"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"

"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."

"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"

"Well, I meant cake!"

"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"

"Uh, cake please."

"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"

"Well, so my choice is 'or death'? I'll have the chicken then, please.

"Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much."

" Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"

"I asked for the vegetarian."

"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you n___ s___head!"

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) 'Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,

"Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great!"

"No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!"

" No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."

And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for s___ging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!

Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.

"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"

"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."

"Well, what about a clockwork train?"

"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care."

And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The "partridge in a pear tree" song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going,

" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."

"Oh, all right..."

" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...' Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."

"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"

"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."

"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go.""Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"

"Well, I don't know... I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."

"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."

"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."

"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for f___'s sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "

"All right."

"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, 'member...( mocking laughter ) "
8. God Attack The Queen

That "Partridge in a pear tree" song, the only bit we like of it is that,( singing )"Five gold rings!" People go berserk at that point! People come running in from other rooms, ( singing ) "Five gold rings!" The rest of it, we don't know; above that, it's just,( singing, uncertain ) "Twelve...monkeys mating, eleven... donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine... socks... a swimming...( certain ) five gold rings!" This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered, yeah.

The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle! 'Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit, ( singing ) "And fish in the sky, and a big... monkey pie..." I've seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it.

"What the f___ is it?"

"I came second, I'm from Turkey! I don't know! Would you like some furniture?"

But in Britain we don't win many gold medals at the Olympics... because we've chosen not to! It's a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it's "God Save the Queen," you see? "God Save the Queen." Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That's one saved f___ing queen, I'll tell you! That's the problem! She's overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family... we don't have nannies all running around the place. It's what you've got to do in your life, you know?So it's "God Save the Queen." No! It's too saved. It's "God Attack the Queen," that's what it should be! ( singing ) "God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her b__. Let them chase after her and rip her knickers off..." That'd be fantastic! Then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick inside of it.

"Crazy dog! Crazy dog!"

"Arrgghh, kill the Queen!"

"No - crazy dog!"

And maybe she'd kill the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, "Hey, fair play to the Queen,- killed the crazy dog." And the Queen would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It'd be fantabulous.

But in America, you win the gold medal, I've seen you at the Olympics. You stand there, hand on the hearts... You and the Roman Empire are the only people who've ever done that, so be very careful! 'Cause you're the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going! 'Cause the only other big power is China, I supposed, but they're going, "Ah... oh..." kind of thing. 1.000 million, but they're all just getting ready.

But you're the Roman Empire, yeah! So you've got vomitoriums and orgies to look forward to... Let the President lead the way! 'Cause no one cares in America and... I don't know. In Europe, we're just watching you, and going, "What are you doing?" 'Cause in France they wouldn't care, and in Britain, they'd get shot. If the Prime Minister had done something, everyone would go, ( mumbling sheepishly ).

"Can the government say what was happening on the recent affair with the Prime Minister?"

"Well, the government would like to say ( more mumbling )."

"Thank you."

But you do sing the national anthem - I've seen you singing the national anthem, and I've worked out how to do it. If you're lost in the middle of it and you're singing the words, becausethe Tannoy systems at big stadiums, you know, it doesn't matter wherever you're singing it. All that people care about is the look,because there's figures on this. 70% of what people react to is the look, you know, it's how you look; and 20% is about how you sound; and only 10% is what you say. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, ( sings gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner ) Big mouth! ( more gibberish to a few more bars ) The eyes! ( more gibberish ) Use that! ( more gibberish ) And keep confirming and denying things. ( more gibberish, up to the words 'Star spangled banner yet wave' )Everyone will go wild! Oh, yeah, oh yeah!

9. Action Transvestite
I'm an action transvestite, actually, as well as being an executive transvestite. I'm an action transvestite! 'Cause it's running, jumping, climbing trees, you know. So I went s_____arding when I was in Aspen. Andyou look cool when you s_____ard, you just look cool, you know? You cannot but look cool 'cause you're nailed to a f___ing plank of wood. As long as you're vertical, you're going, "Hey, yes!" ( swishing sounds )

Skiing, you can be kinda... ( wobbles about ). There's a lot of that stuff, but this is just ( speeding sounds ). And there's only two positions in s_____arding: One is looking cool; the second is DEAD! Right? Pow! So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour! 'Cause you have no idea! The police never pull you over. They never, ( makes siren noises ) "Ah, f___ing 'ell! ( swishing sound to stop ) 'Cause the police need to be able to walk up to you in that kind of condescending way. "Ok, Sonny Jim, what do you think you're doing, eh?" And they can't do that on a s_____ard, because they have to go... ( jumping with legs together, then wobbling to keep vertical ) "Your taillight's out, and... you've got no... knees." So anyway, that didn't happen. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and... my head was fine. But my neck went, "Oh, no. Oh, no, thank you."

So I had to go see a chiropractor in New York, and they're different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though... "Chiropractor... chiropractor... chiropractor... 93 letters, chiropractor." And they crack your bones, that's what they do, they crack your bones! And they take x-rays, but it's pointless, because whatever is wrong with you... "You've got a bad back, I'm gonna crack your bones." "You've got diphtheria, I'm gonna crack your bones." "Your head's come off! I'm gonna crack your bones." "It looks like your mother! I'm going to crack your bones. " And then, when they crack your bones it goes ( painful sigh ) and then, "Ahh!" but not sort of ( reliefsigh ), but ( disconcerted sigh ). All the way up your spine, "Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones." And they sort of arrange you into a nice, comfortable ( mimes chiropractor's actions ) And sometimes it doesn't crack! Sometimes it just goes, "____". Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they try to make the noise. "Make the noise! I live for the noise..." And they do your head as well, around here, and they get it into a nice position, and you're thinking, "Where the...? No, I don't think it's supposed to go around that...!" In the end, you just trust them, you trust them. They could havetheir fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom.

"Well, what's this one about?"

"I have no idea."

( sings fanfare ) "Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried."

10. Heimlich Gesture
Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.

( mumbling and coughing )

"Your hymen's been removed?"

"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )

"You need it removed? Right..."

I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,

"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"

"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"

"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for f___'s sake! Loosen up, don't be so b_____ Prussian."

"Well, what is it, Günther?"

"I have invented a maneuver!"

"What are you, a b_____ tank commander now?"

"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"

I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.

( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..."

( choking and coughing ) "I cannot breath."

"I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( m___led shot)

"I still cannot breath."

"Ok, maybe not, maybe this will... ( m___led shot )

"Jesus f___ing Christ!"

"Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow!

( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )

"Must be a combination. No, ok... "

"Ok, two frying pans... Frying pan in the b______s... b______s stop...

"Frying pan..."

( Hans collapses to thefloor )

"Oh, he's dead."

Other doctors are going,

"How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?"

"Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture."

As the National Rifle a__ociation says, it's not guns that kill people - it's maneuvers.

I'm a film nut as well,complete nut on films. I used to break into film studios; there's a studio called Pinewood Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping, and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go,

"Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, 'The Creeping Kid!' You, you're in!"

"Ah, me? Uh, yeah..."

But no, it didn't happen! They were filming tall, angular...veterinarians that day... I didn't have my bag... And my hand up a horse's... anyway. So yes! But we've got known in Britain for making the smaller films, you know. Recently, we've been pulling out of that into the more "Trainspotting" area, but the smaller films, they're kind of "a room with a view with a staircase and a pond"-type movies. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and - subsumed or - a word like that. Sub- something or another. You know, just folded in and everything's people opening doors.

"Oh, I'm - oh, what? Well, I've - oh."

"What is it, Sebastian? I'm arranging matches."

"Well, I - I thought you - ... I'd better go."

"Yes, I think you'd better had." ( sings morose melody )

And you can't eat popcorn to that! You're going ( mimes trying to eat popcorn but getting frustratedand sighs ).

Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it, and they'd up the budget by 50 million and it'd be called, "The Room With A View of Hell!" "Staircase of Satan!" "Pond of Death." And have people open the door, going,

"You're f___ing in here all the time! All the time you're in here with the f___ing matches! In here with the f___ing matches! You're f___ing doing and f___ing ( clucking )"

"You don't talk to me that way! You don't talk to me that way! You f___ my wife? You f___ my wife? You f___ my wife? You f___ my wife? You f___ my wife?"

"I am your wife!"

"That doesn't matter! That doesn't matter! I say again, you f___ my wife?"

"All right, yes, I f___ed your wife. I am your wife, and I f___ed her."

" ( Nonsensical ) f___ing matches - I can't get 'em... I'm going to drive around town and put babies on spikes."

( sounds of babies sliding on the spikes )

"Oh, no! s___e monkeys are attacking!" A whole new part of the film that wasn't in the original! ( mimics battle sounds )

"d___, its jammed!" ( dialing on mobile ) "Janine, I love you really, even though you f___ed my wife..." ( big explosion )

( mimics eating and drinking everything in sight while watching ) "It's a f___ing handbag. With a brick in it! It's the Queen! Don't know who that is..." Yeah.

11. British Bad Guys
We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. Yes, there's no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go,

"My name is Pierre! I come from Paris. I've come to have s__ with your family."

"Help yourself... because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette."

You know your own history, right? You don't know who he is, do you?! What was it? The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? What? The Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Forget it!

But we play bad guys, like take "The Empire Strikes Back," from the "Star Wars trilogy." The Death Star! The Death Star... just full of British actors opening doors and going,

"Oh, I'm - oh, oh..."

"What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?"

"It's just the Rebels, sir. They're here."

"My God, man! Do they want tea?"

"No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." ( cracks up )

"d___, that's dash cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader!"

( heavy breathing and in a deep voice ) "Uh, hello."( cracks up again )

'Cause he was only impressive 'cause he had that James Earl Jones voice. ( deep voice )"I am Vader. The Force is strong with you." If he had a much more,

( camp c___ney accent ) "Hello. Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-b_____-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, who told you that?"

"Some bloke! Yeah, he said the Force was really rather strong with you."

"Well, how strong?"

"Uh, as strong as a small pony."

"Oooh, that's quite strong, that is."

The film would never have f___ing worked, would it?

12. The Great Escape

"The Great Escape," now there's a film. A lot of British actors, I'm British, so link up there. Steve McQueen, action hero; action transvestite, linkup there. The story is based on a true story about 76 British prisoners, I think, who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia, in Poland. They're all experts at escaping; they've escaped from lots of other prisons, and they're all put together, so they say, "Hey, let's work together."

Steve McQueen plays the American guy who is dropped into British films in order to make them sell... in America, that is, because you'd go, "Oh, I'm not gonna see it, it's full of British guys, and what the f___ do I know about British things?"

I was in... where was I? I did a gig in Memphis, and this guy came up to me, and it was f___ing weird. This guy had two kids, and he said, "You British?" I went, "Yeah," but wanted to go, "No, I'm from Mars, actually." "You British?" "Yeah" And he said, "Hey, kids! Jimmy Sue, Bobby Will, Fishy Bob!" No, he said, "Talk British to my kids!" I said, "No, I'm not gonna talk British to your kids, you don't talk... it's English! 'ello?" And the kids were, ( shaky accent ) "No, Dad, we wanna go see..." ( Slow, slurry ) "No, Dad, we wanna go see the man emasculating a donkey over there." "Talk British to my kids! Talk, or I'll get my a___nal of weapons out!" So that was fun.

So yes, "The Great Escape," yes. It's all true, and Steve McQueen is there to make it sell, and he's cool, I'm totally into him, I'm a very big fan of Steve McQueen - "Bullitt." Fog... no f___ing fog in "Bullitt," does it? That film, "The Rock," when they're all out in Alcatraz, they go,

"We can't send this nuclear weapon to San Francisco, we can't f___ing find it! It's covered in fog!

"All right, we'll have to get Oakland, then."

( people stirring ) Oh, fight, fight, fight! ( in sing-song ) Oakland, San Francisco, Oakland, East Bay! You're not called West Bay, are you? No, you're just( mockingly )"The City."
"Are you going to "The City" today?

"I might go to "The City."

And Oakland is just a collection of houses, is it?

So... so yes, "The Great Escape." In "The Great Escape," they say,

"Look, we're gonna do the biggest escape in the history of people escaping from things they shouldn't."

"Fantastic."

And Steve isn't really a part of this, he's just hanging out, playing baseball, runs with the van, does an escape, gets caught, covered in mud, and stuff like that; but the British are working away, they're digging three tunnels - Charley, Barley and Farley. No, four tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally; no, five tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally... Nobody expects the Spanish tunnel king!

And they're digging away, and there's people in charge of shoveling it up, people putting breathing apparatus in, putting things on trolleys, lighting apparatus; people disguising the entrance of the tunnel so it looks like a kibbutz or something; people saying, "I've turned my uniform inside out, turned up my collar, I've turned my b___ocks into a hat, and I now look like a German officer... but I have no b___ocks."

"Jawol, mein Herr. So habe ich linge wenige. Locherbekommen."

"Well done, Simpkins. That's a line from Monty Python, isn't it?"

Donald Pleasance is doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam. Clang! And on the day of the escape, they're all there, and Steve McQueen has joined up in the escape, and the British have trilby hats on, overcoats, canoe, a bit of a rabbit... And Steve's just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he's in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon... and then Switzerland, where the n___ gold comes from. ( imitates people muttering about n___ gold ) I love the way you do that! Whenever I say something slightly weird, you all mutter. "I'm catching the ferry right now!"

Anyway, so yes, so Steve's just d___ cool, he jumps on the motorbike, and as soon as he gets on, the music cuts to ( sings action film theme ). The British are all down at the train station. "Can't we do a motorbike? d___!"

"Yes, a train ticket to... Ich möchte einen ticket to nach... London. No, not London! Calais! That's nice and n___, isn't it?"

"Ihre Pässe, bitte."

"My passport? All right." ( clangs )

( clanging continues ) "It's a bit clangy and a bit jammy..."

"Yes, I'm from the steel and jam area of Stuttgart."

The British are getting hassled, and Steve is away, and he gets to Switzerland. Remember, Jim Rockford nicks an airplane in that film, and he flies to Switzerland, and he gets about 20 miles away from it in an airplane! Steve is on a f___ing motorbike and he gets there! Before him! What's he got in the f___ing motorbike, jet wings? I dunno!

So yeah, all the British are getting hassled, the Gestapo are after them, people are on rowing boats, some on bicycles, one on a rabbit, in a kangaroo, you know, in pogo stick. Steve's motor biking away... Steve's over the first line of bared wire, "Go, Steve, go!" Into the second line of barbed wire... Nearly makes it, doesn't quite, but lives to tell the tale.

Meanwhile, the British are all rounded up and shot in the head! Now what signals is this giving to kids from the different countries, Britain and America? American kids watching Steve, saying, ( shaky accent ) "Steve, you're d___ cool! Yeah, I'm f___ing with you, man, all the way! Absolutely! Lived to tell the tale, good on you!" You know? I don't know why he's Australian, but anyway... "Absolutely. G'day." But we're just watching it and thinking, "We're f___ed! All that planning, the logistics, everything, and we get f___ing blown away." Chip on my- fish and chips on my shoulder.

13. Engelbert and JFK

And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That's not his real name; he's from Britain, but that's not his name. There's very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said,

"What shall we call our son so he does not get the s___ kicked out of him at school?"

"We shall call him Engelbert!"

"Good, that'll work!"

No, his name was Gerry Dorsey, and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey, songs such as ( mumbles )which didn't work 'cause nobody could hear what he was saying. And then his managers, obviously, said, "We're going to change your name, Gerry! It's the name that's the problem." And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.

"Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! s___ Bunwalla!"

"What?!"

"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle..."

"No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!"

"No, we can't do it... Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert w___ledack, s___ Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck..."

"No, no, go back one. Go back one. "Engelbert Humperdinck." That's it."

And it worked! But he's dead now, you hear that? Yeah, today, on CNN. I heard it as I was just coming out. Very weird, 'cause Frank Sinatra was just recently as well, wasn't it? Yeah. Hmm. No, this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. ( inhales deeply and exhales ) It's not true, heh. ( exhales ) No, it is true. Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that's all I caught... it was just before I came out. So, yeah. ( exhales ) No, it is true. No, he was in a car in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something like that. ( about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter, as Eddie nods and denies the truth of this statement ) No no, no, he's all right, he's all right! He's fine! He's cooking, he's jumping, he's doing his thing in L.A. - he's absolutely fine. How do I know? I don't know, I don't know! I think he's got a cold, that's what they said. No, a tan, that's it!

But back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America, and he we went to Berlin, stood on the Berlin wall and he said, "People of Berlin..." ( hearty American )"People of Berlin." I can't do an impression of President Kennedy, so this is... "People of Berlin. Amy dumped..." No, James Mason playing him... ( imitates Mason ) " People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states. I sound a bit like God, don't I? Yes. But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the worl