The Macc Lads Dan's Big Log Lyrics

He went for a meal with the posh in-laws, to ask for their daughter's hand (again).
Tea on the patio, croquet on the lawn, but Dan's rectal passage starts to strain (again).
He sits down to eat, clenching his cheeks, he wonders which knife and fork to use.
Then its: 'Excuse me, please' as he leaves his seat,
And he pegs it up the stairs to find the loo.
He parks his breakfast, fills the bowl, uses up half a toilet roll.
He flushed and he flushed, but it wouldn't go,
It must have weighed over half a stone.
He flushed and he flushed but it wouldn't shift,
He couldn't leave it lying in the bog.
So he rolled up his sleeves, picks up the s___,
He thinks he can disguise it as a log.

He opens the window, takes his aim,
And chucks it in the bushes over there.
He hopes somebody else will get the blame,
He goes back down to finish his hor d'oeuvres.
He wanders in, begging their pardon, (remembering to fasten up his bags).
But everybody's staring out at the garden
At the steaming t___ that's landed on the flags.