If your a__ is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift
Kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon
Some jarheads in the locker room
Kicked my a__

I said guys I'm like you
I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks

.. dig guys that are queer
.. guys that don't dig chicks
.. that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome
just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as a gay
Though but not actually that way
Though pseudo h___ phony

Maybe it's a stupid theory
Or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee
In the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy

Cause 'super model' means voluptuous
But also is synonomous with 'super dumb'
Ya see I'd be a good listener
So she'd treat me like a sister
And soon I'd become

That trusted friend that cares
That rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't be a week
Before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

.. dig guys that are queer
.. guys that don't dig chicks
.. that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

Doesn't matter
What I'm packin' in my denim
It's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat
The only sausage I would eat
Is made by Jimmy Dean

See I'm not to keen
On the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di
I don't wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay
I'd have to change my name
To Dirk or Lewis

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist
His name is Kip
He's got a lisp
He talks like this

And wear my mother's lingerie
Learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

.. dig guys that are queer
.. guys that don't dig chicks
.. dig guys that are queer
.. guys that don't dig chicks
.. dig guys that are queer
.. guys that don't dig chicks
.. that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
Yeah

See also:
JustSomeLyrics
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