Stan Freberg Little Blue Riding Hood Lyrics

>'Dragnet' opening theme<

Narrator: The story of Little Blue Riding Hood is true. Only the colour has
been changed to prevent an investigation.

>'Dragnet' opening music<

Joe (voice-over): This is the woods. My name is Wednesday, I work outa'
homicide. Monday, February the 2nd, 10:22am. b__ped into Chicken Lickin'.
Told me the sky was falling. I booked her on a 614, turned her over to the
psychiatrists. Then a call came in on a 503. When I was on my way to the
503 a 618 came in. I added up the 614, the 503 and the 618. Got 1735. I
handed in my paper to the Chief, he corrected it, gave me 100%, patted me on
the head. Told me I was a good cop.

>dramatic music<

Joe (voice-over): 11:45am, it happened. I saw a little girl in a blue hood
carrying a basket. I stopped to question her.

Joe: Pardon me, ma'am, could I talk to you for just a minute, ma'am?

Little Blue: What about?

Joe: Nothing much, ma'am. Just wanna' ask you a few questions, ma'am.
What's your name?

Little Blue: Little Blue Riding Hood.

Joe: Where ya' going, ma'am?

Little Blue: Grandma's house.

Joe: Yes, ma'am. Whad'ya got in the basket?

Little Blue (defensively): Whad'ya trying to say, I got something in the
basket I shouldn't have?

Joe: No, ma'am, I didn't say that.

Little Blue: Then whad'ya asking me all these questions for?

Joe: Just routine, ma'am, we just wanna' get the facts. May I have a look
in that basket, ma'am?

Little Blue: Be my guest.

Joe: Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of dumdum
shells. Nothing suspicious here. All right, ma'am, we may want to talk to
you later, so don't leave the woods.

>dramatic music<

Joe (voice-over): She skipped on down the path. But she didn't know I'd
seen the concealed compartment in the basket. In it, what I'd suspected all
along - goodies.

>dramatic music<

Joe (voice-over): My job - get to grandma's before she did. I took a
shortcut through the strawberry patch. It was sort of a strawberry
shortcut.

>sound of walking<

Joe (voice-over): I walked up to the cottage, rang the bell.

>door bell<

Grandma: Come in, dear.

>door opens<

Joe: OK, grandma, it's a raid.

Grandma (acting surprised): A raid? Why, I'm just a peace-loving old lady,
you've got the wrong grandma.

Joe: Yes, ma'am. We just wanna' get the facts. Where'd you get that b__p
on your head?

Grandma: The sky fell on me this morning.

>dramatic music<

Joe (voice-over): I made a note to book her on a 614 and turn her over to
the psychiatrists. I tied her up, put her in the closet, then I put on the
grandma suit and got into bed.

>knock on door<

Joe (making no attempt to disguise his voice): Come in, ma'am.

>door opens<

Little Blue: Hello, grandma, I got the loot. What're you doin' in bed?

Joe: I'm feeling poorly.

Little Blue: But grandma, what big ears you have!

Joe: All the better to get the facts. I just wanna' get the facts, ma'am.

Little Blue: But grandma, what a big subpoena you have in your pocket!

Joe: All the better to serve you with.

Little Blue: But grandma, what a big .38 police special you have pointed at
me!

Joe: All the better to take you in. You're under arrest. You and your
grandma are operating a goodies ring.

Little Blue (sadly): A cop. I shoulda' known.

Joe: Known what, ma'am?

Little Blue (sadly): You look nothing like my grandma. You forgot about the
mustache.

Joe: But I don't have a mustache.

Little Blue: I know. But grandma does.

>dramatic music<

Frank: Well, I see you broke the goodies ring. How'd you get a lead on 'er,
Joe?

Joe: I just played a hunch, Frank. It was just a hunch. I played my luck;
sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't, I was just lucky, I just
played a hunch, Frank.

Frank: What you're trying to say, Joe, is you just played a hunch. A lucky
guess. Sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't. You just played a
hunch. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Joe?

Joe: Yeah. I just played a hunch.

>'Dragnet' end music<