Good evening I'm from Essex
in case you couldn't tell
My given name is d___ie, I come from Billericay
and I'm doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina
in the back of my Cortina
A seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener
She took me to the cleaners
and other misdemeanours
But I got right up between her
rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicki
if candy-floss is sticky
I'm not a blinking thicky
I'm Billericay d___ie
and I'm doing very well

I bought a lot of brandy
when I was courting Sandy
Took eight to make her randy
and all I had was shandy
Another thing with Sandy
what often came in handy
Was passing her a Mandy
she didn't half go bandy

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
if I ever took the mickey
I'm not a flipping thicky
I'm Billericay d___ie
and I'm doing very well

I'd rendezvous with Janet
quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet
she wasn't half a prannet
Her mother tried to ban it
her father helped me plan it
And when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
if I ever shaped up tricky
I'm not a blooming thicky
I'm Billericay d___ie
and I'm doing very well

You should never hold a candle if you don't know where it's been
The jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
who's their favourite brickie
I'm not a common thicky
I'm Billericay d___ie
and I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
kindly, charming s___ from s_____ryness

M given name is d___ie
I come from Billericay
I thought you'd never guess

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
a pair of squeaky chickies
I'm not a flaming thicky I'm Billericay d___ie
and I'm doing very well

Oh golly, oh gosh come and lie on the couch
with a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch

My given name is d___ie, I come from Billericay
and I ain't a slouch

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
about Billericay d___ie
I ain't an effin' thicky
you ask Joyce and Vicki
I'm doing very well

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