Carter USM Sheriff Fatman Lyrics

Sheriff Fatman started out in business
as a granny farmer
he was infamous for fifteen minutes
and he appeared in Panorama
Then he somehow got himself on board
The Starship Enterprise Allowance Scheme
With a Prince of Wales award
for pushing valium and amphetamines
Now he's moving up onto second base
behind Nicholas Van Wotsisface
At six foot six and a hundred tons
the undisputed king of the slums
With more alias' than Klaus Barbie
the master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea
Just about to take the stage
the one and only
hold the front page
Fatman's got something to sell
to the capital's homeless
At The Crossroads Motel
for the no-fixed-abodeless
Where you can live life in style
you can sleep in a closet
And if you flash him a smile
he'll take your teeth as deposit
There's bats in the belfry
the windows are jammed
The toilets ain't healthy
and he don't give a d___
he just chuckles and smiles
and laughs like a madman,
a born again Rachman
Here comes Sheriff Fatman
With his valium, amphetamines
his sick notes and his phoney prescriptions
And just when you thought it was safe
to go back into the kitchen, Dead legs and cracked heads
Bunk-beds and breakfasts
Wake up you sleepy headcases . . . check this . . .
Moving up now to take the place
of Nicholas Van Wotsisface
At six foot six and a hundred tons
the undisputed king of the slums
With more alias' than Klaus Barbie
the master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea
In a hatchback from Notre Dame,
the one and only Sheriff Fatman
In goes another left hook
and now I'm losing my patience
Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations
he's buying up houses for hasbeens (help me)
From Lands End to Southend and Chelsea
There's bats in the belfrey
the windows are jammed
The toilets ain't healthy
he don't give a d___
He just chuckles and smiles
and laughs like a madman
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you . . .
SHERIFF FATMAN!