Loudon Wainwright III I Wish I Was a Lesbian Lyrics

[spoken intro]
Okay, I'm riding around in this car with this woman that I'm close to a couple of times a week and I'm noticing she's looking out of the window and noticing other women - how this one looks, isn't this one lovely, what a nice outfit...
I said "Babe, what is the deal? You're noticing all these other chicks... maybe you're a lesbian." She looks at me and she says "I wish I was a lesbian." Now at that point I wanted to say, "You mean you wish you WERE a lesbian, because gramatically..."
But I let it slide, I didn't wanna ruffle any feathers. But you know, that sentence, that retort... "I wish I was a lesbian." It kinda stuck in the ol' Louro's mind. It kinda gestated there for 7 or 8 minutes, and this tune popped out.

[sung]
I wish I was a lesbian, and not a hetero.
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all their come and go,
And all that awful facial hair and yucky machis'mo!
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!

I wish I was a lesbian and that I wasn't straight.
I would sleep with women only. Man, it would be great.
I could throw away my diaphragm, I wouldn't want to mate.
I wish I was a lesbian, and that I wasn't straight!

I wish I was a lesbian, I'd like to be a d___.
I would hang with k.d. lang, Mel Gibson, take a hike!
I think it would be nice to love someone who was alike.
I wish I was a lesbian, I'd like to be a d___!

I wish I was a lesbian, that's why this song is sung.
It shouldn't have to matter how someone is hung.
Other things are more important- like how to use your tongue!
I wish I was a lesbian, that's why this song is sung!

I DARE Casey Kasem to play this!

I wish I was a lesbian, I know it's sad but true.
But maybe I might understand you guys and all you do.
But if I was a lesbian... I WOULDN'T HAVE TO!
I wish I was a lesbian, I know it's sad but true.

I wish I was a lesbian, and not a hetero.
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all their come and go,
And all that awful facial hair and yucky machis'mo
(I hate that d___ machis'mo!)
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!