TIGER (spoken)
(imitating Officer Krupke)
Hey, you!

RIFF (spoken)
Me, Officer Krupke?

TIGER (spoken)
(as Krupke)
Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason
For not draggin' ya down to the
Stationhouse, ya punk.

RIFF (sings)
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
Ya gotta understand--
It's just our bringin' upke
That gets us outta hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
Golly Moses -- naturally we're punks.

ALL
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that every
Child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

RIFF
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good.
Like inside, the worse of us is good.

TIGER (imitating Krupke)
That's a touchin' good story.

RIFF
Lemme tell it to the world!

TIGER (imitating Krupke)
Just tell it to the Judge.

RIFF (**to s_____y)
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their marijuana,
They won't give me a puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards --that's what I'm so bad!

s_____Y (imitating a Judge)
Right!
Officer Krupke, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he
Needs a a___ysis's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed--
**He's psychologically disturbed.

RIFF
I'm disturbed!

ALL
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologically disturbed.

s_____Y (still acting part of Judge)(spoken)
Hear ye, Her ye! In the opinion
Of this court, this child is
Depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

RIFF (spoken)
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

s_____Y (as judge - spoken)
So take him to a headshrinker.

RIFF (to Action)(sings)
My Daddy beats my Mommy,
My Mommy clobbers me,
My Grandpa is a Commie,
My Grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness Gracious, that's why I'm a mess!

ACTION (as psychiatrist)
Yes!
Officer Krupke, he shouldn't be here.
This boy don't need a couch, he needs
A useful career.
Society's played him a terrible trick,
And sociologically he's sick!

RIFF
I am sick!

ALL
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick
Like we're sociologically sick!

ACTION (speaks as psychiatrist)
In my opinion, this child does not need
To have his head shrunk at all.
Juvenile delinquency is purely a
Social disease.

RIFF (spoken)
Hey, I got a social disease!

ACTION (spoken as psychiatrist)
So take him to a social worker!

RIFF (to ARAB)(sings)
Dear kindly social worker,
They tell me get a job,
Like be a soda-jerker,
Which means like be a slob.
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work.
Gloryosky, that's why I'm a jerk!

ARAB (as social worker)
Eek!
Officer Krupke, you've done it again.
This boy don't need a job, he needs a
Year in the pen.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he's no good!

RIFF
I'm no good!

ALL
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no d___ good!

s_____Y
The trouble is he's lazy.

JOYBOY
The trouble is he drinks

BABY JOHN
The trouble is he's crazy.

ARAB
The trouble is he stinks,

MOUTHPIECE
The trouble is he's growing.

ACTION
The trouble is he's grown!

ALL
Krupke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Officer Krupke,
We're down on our knees.
'Cause no one wants a fella with
A social disease.
Gee, Officer Krupke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke --
Krup you!

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