[THENARDIER]
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books

Seldom do you see honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor
It doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve them of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's busom friend
I do whatever pleases, Jesus
Won't I bleed them in the end

[DRINKERS]
Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion, everybody's chaperone

[THENARDIER]
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked, here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied, reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side

Charge them for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all those bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

[DRINKERS]
Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion, gives them everything he's got

[THENARDIER]
Dirty bunch of geezers, Jesus, what a sorry little lot

[MME THENARDIER]
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house, isn't worth my spit
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong s___
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this b______ in the house

[THENARDIER & DRINKERS]
Master of the house

[MME THENARDIER]
Master and a half

[THENARDIER & DRINKERS]
Comforter, philosopher

[MME THENARDIER]
Ah, don't make me laugh

[THENARDIER & DRINKERS]
Servant to the poor, butler to the great

[MME THENARDIER]
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

[THENARDIER & DRINKERS]
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

[THENARDIER]
Everybody raise a glass

[MME THENARDIER]
Raise it up the master's a__

[ALL]
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house

--------------------------------------------------------

[BEGINNING OF COMPLETE VERSION]

DRINKER 3
Come on you old pest

DRINKER 2
Fetch a bottle of your best

DRINKER 1
What's the nectar of the day?

THENARDIER coming in with a flask of wine.

THENARDIER
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardieir

DRINKERS
Gissa glass of rum!
Landlord, over here!

THENARDIER
[To himself] Right away, you scum
[To customer] Right away, M'sieur

DINER 1
God this place has gone to hell

DINER 2
So you tell me every year

DRINKER 6
Mine host Thenardier
He was there so they say,
At the field of Waterloo

DRINKER 7
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through

DRINKER 1
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets
Of the English dead

DRINKER 8
He made a tidy score
From the spoils of war

THENARDIER
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always p___ed as newts.
My sons of w____s
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
Then fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours

DINER 1
Ain't got a clue
What he put in this stew
Must have scraped it off the street

DINER 2
God what a wine!
Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
Must have pressed it with his feet

DRINKERS
Landlord over here!
Where's the b_____ man?
One more for the road!
Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.

GIRL
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

THENARDIER greets a new customer.

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