Dennis Leary The Asshole Song Lyrics

Folks
I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me
About you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the c___les of our hearts
Or maybe below the c___les
Maybe in the sub-c___le area
Maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon
We don't know

I'm just a regular joe
With a regular job
I'm your average white
Suburbanite slob
I like football, and p___o, and books about war
I've got an average house
With a nice hardwood floor
My wife, and my job
My kids, and my car
My feet on my table
And a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh uhh
No, I gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, such an a__hole)

I use public toilets
And I p___ on the seat
I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?"

I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole
(he's the worlds biggest a__hole)

Sometimes I park in the handicapped s___es
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces

I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole
(he's a real f___ing a__hole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
...
NAAAHHHHH!

I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole
(he's the world's biggest a__hole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable
Hot pink!
With whale skin hub caps
An all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights
YEAH!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby
At 115 miles per hour
Getting one mile per gallon
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a g______ thing anybody can do about it
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why!
Two words: Nuclear f___in' Weapons
Okay!?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the Democracy they want
They can have a big Democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienemen Square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we got the bombs
Okay!?
John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen!
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke"
And he's gonna be pretty p___ed off
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times
That's how p___ed off "The Duke"'s gonna be
I'm gonna get "The Duke"
And John Cassavetes
And Lee Marvin
And Sam Peckinpah
And a case of whiskey
And drive down to Texas
And-
(Hey, Hey! You know you really are an a__hole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal?
You know, the whole time I thought I was that a__hole
And it turns out it was him
What an a__hole!

I'm an a__hole
(he's an a__hole, what an a__hole)
I'm an a__hole
(he's the worlds biggest a__hole)

A - SS - HO - LE!
Everybody!!
A - SS - HO - LE!

*dog barking noises*

I'm an a__hole and proud of it!