Weird Al Yankovic Close But No Cigar Lyrics

Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more than
Marlon Brando loved soufflé
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know that some guys would put up with that kinda thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said "Hey
Are we playin' horseshoes, honey
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close)
But no cigar"

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habañero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD

Oh no, I said "Hey
Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close)
Oh, so very close (close)
Yeah baby, you're close (close)
So close, but no cigar"

(Aw, yeah
Aw, no
Aw, yeah
Aw, no
All right)

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to number one on my list
And did I mention she's a world-famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big, fat, s_____rin' pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes was just
A little tiny bit too big

I said "Hey
Are we doin' government work here
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close)
So very, very close (close)
Aw baby, you're close (close)
So close, but no cigar"

Missed it by that much (no cigar)
Aw, yeah, all right (no cigar)
Really, really, really close, but no cigar