(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics

VELMA
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and turn.
TRACY
Oh my god, Penny, there's Link, Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
PENNY
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
VELMA
Fron't step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and..
oh Amber, look at this motly crew!
this town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs!

VELMA
Oh, my God how times have changed, these girls must be blind, or completly deranged!
But time seemed to halt, when I was Miss Baltimore Crabs. Amber, that move is far too dirty!

AMBER
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930!

VELMA
You can laugh, but life's a test!
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember, Mother knows best!
And the crowns in the valt
from when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

AMBER
These steps are perfect ammunition.

VELMA
Let me show you how your Mommy dear,
took out tha competition.
Girls, go get 'em, boys lets ramba!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Those poor runner ups
mite still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges!
Those broads thought they'd win,
If a plate they would spin in their dance...not a chance!!
Boys, put me down!
Oh, good morning ladies, lets see what you got!

COUNCIL MEMBERS
Twist, twist, twist, twist, mashed potato, mambo!

VELMA
Ready-begin
On my show you'll never find a thrusting hip or b__p and grind!

AMBER
Was that a dance for fleas and ticks?

VELMA
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
Oh I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting Aida
and preparing SOUFLEES!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

DANCE BREAK!

VELMA
Proceed.

AMBER
Are you scared, we're on live?

TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope.

AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast in

COUNCIL GIRLS
Cinemascope!

VELMA
I never drank 1 chocolate malt
no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs!

AMBER
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes!

VELMA
Kid, she'll never get a date
'til daddy buys her a new nose!
I would say
Oy gevalt!!...
if I wasnt miss baltimore crabs

AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?

LINK
Amber, theres no need to be cruel

VELMA
wuld u swim in an intergrated pool?

TRACY
I sure would! I'm all for intergration! It's tha new frontier!

VELMA
Not in baltimore, it isnt.
and may i be frank?
1st impressions can be tough
and when i saw you I knew
if ur size weren't enough
your last answer just blew it!
and so my dear
so short and stout
you'll never be in
so we're kicking you out!
with ur form and ur face
Oh,but it isn't your falt!
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!!...ugh, you may go

PENNY
I think they secretly liked u!

LIL INEZ
May I please audition?

VELMA
Of course not
but u can bow and exalt
'cause i am miss baltimore crabs!

COUNCIL GIRLS
crabs, crabs, crabs